Title: Need good jokes!
Post by: jari on October 29, 2002, 01:59:30 pm
We seriously need new jokes here at work. The best anyone could come up with today was:
What d'ya call an aardvark that's been thumped in a fight?
A vaark!
Now you can see my problem!!!
What d'ya call an aardvark that's been thumped in a fight?
A vaark!
Now you can see my problem!!!
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: mathwhizchick on October 29, 2002, 02:03:51 pm
Where do pirates go on vacation?
ARRRRRRgentina!!!
What kind of socks do pirates wear?
ARRRRRRgyle
:)
ARRRRRRgentina!!!
What kind of socks do pirates wear?
ARRRRRRgyle
:)
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: andream on October 29, 2002, 02:06:20 pm
:groan:!
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: andream on October 29, 2002, 02:07:56 pm
okay this is serious, Jari, new to the forum boards works in a place that's currently out of humour, I say DD'ers to the RESCUE!!!!!!! come on y'all I've been reading your jokes for years now someone WANTS them, it's your fifteen minutes of fame!
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: jari on October 29, 2002, 03:39:40 pm
Now I'm concerned........... I get the feeling I'm gonna regret asking for jokes! Only joking guys............
.............. I'm all ears!
.............. I'm all ears!
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: countrigal on October 29, 2002, 03:54:42 pm
Don't know if this is what you're looking for, but my sis just sent this to me (and I think I've read it somewhere else before). This is, of course, all in fun... (Now I'm off to find the one that is similiar but for brunettes and redheads -- gotta be fair! 
)
SHE WAS Sooooooooooooooooo BLONDE.........
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept...
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it....
She thought a quarterback was a refund....
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order...
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools....
She thought General Motors was in the army....
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats....
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday....
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
She tripped over a cordless phone...
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."...
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."...
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."...
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
She studied for a blood test....
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."...
She sold the car for gas money!...
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead....
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved....
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company....
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless....
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening......
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "Tits Go In Front".
CountriGal
Deskdemon Editorial Board Member
)SHE WAS Sooooooooooooooooo BLONDE.........
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept...
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it....
She thought a quarterback was a refund....
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order...
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools....
She thought General Motors was in the army....
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats....
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday....
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
She tripped over a cordless phone...
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."...
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."...
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius."...
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
She studied for a blood test....
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."...
She sold the car for gas money!...
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead....
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved....
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company....
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless....
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening......
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "Tits Go In Front".
CountriGal
Deskdemon Editorial Board Member
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: jari on October 29, 2002, 04:40:28 pm
Nice one! I just sent it to my rather blond haired boss and she had to laugh!
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: jari on October 29, 2002, 04:48:40 pm
I take it pirates do their Christmas shopping in...wait for it.....
Aaarrrgg-gos!
Aaarrrgg-gos!
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: andream on October 29, 2002, 04:57:37 pm
oh Dear Lord, you've all infected Jari. :hangs head in shame: Jari our newest user on the boards has been infected with the bad joke syndrome that seems to occur at the Humour Zone from time to time. :wipes a tear from her eye, sniffles a bit and goes gamely on: And Jari has a boss to whom she can SEND blonde jokes.. colour me GREEN!
Y'all know that Delaware Diva is gonna jump in here any minute now, she's the reigning QUEEN of groaner jokes and I know we're not long from seeing her enter this thread....
:tosses down the gauntlet and wanders off to do some real work:
Andrea
Editor
Still tryin to get the £$£*()! coffee outta my keyboard from this morning.
For our US readers, Argos (www.argos.co.uk) is the UK equal to Walmart,, well without the smiling customer service types, think of it as a cross between Walmart where everything is cheap and Service Merchandise where you order from a catalog,,, without the show room. You order, you have it delivered, or you pick it up.)
Y'all know that Delaware Diva is gonna jump in here any minute now, she's the reigning QUEEN of groaner jokes and I know we're not long from seeing her enter this thread....
:tosses down the gauntlet and wanders off to do some real work:
Andrea
Editor
Still tryin to get the £$£*()! coffee outta my keyboard from this morning.
For our US readers, Argos (www.argos.co.uk) is the UK equal to Walmart,, well without the smiling customer service types, think of it as a cross between Walmart where everything is cheap and Service Merchandise where you order from a catalog,,, without the show room. You order, you have it delivered, or you pick it up.)
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: Judy Loux on October 29, 2002, 08:54:07 pm
So You Asked for It.!!!!!!
Bill Gates and General Motors
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
Blonde Looking for a Job
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.
''Yes.''
Blonde Loses Sweet Job
Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?
She threw away all the "W&W's"
Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
C.E.O. D.U.M.B
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
How to Sell a Bible
Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment.
So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"
The boy stood up and said, "35."
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.
"He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied.
He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impedement said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.'' The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ''I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them'''
This was the best I could do on short notice, I'll keep looking.
DDiva
Bill Gates and General Motors
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
Blonde Looking for a Job
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.
''Yes.''
Blonde Loses Sweet Job
Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?
She threw away all the "W&W's"
Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss
TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year. The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant. Have a nice dak!!!
C.E.O. D.U.M.B
One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.
"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."
Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."
How to Sell a Bible
Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment.
So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"
The boy stood up and said, "35."
"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.
"He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied.
He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impedement said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.'' The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ''I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them'''
This was the best I could do on short notice, I'll keep looking.
DDiva
Edited by delawarediva on 29/10/02 07:55 PM.
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: Judy Loux on October 29, 2002, 09:05:27 pm
Here are a few more. The last one is for Andrea
132 legs and 8 teeth
Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert
==============
A Roomful of Rednecks
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?
A full set of teeth.
========================
A Special Night in Iowa
Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.
======================
American Divorce
If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?
=============================
Airplane Hijinx
Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
============================
This one is for Andrea and her problems with the French language --- You are not alone
Difficult English
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
DDiva
132 legs and 8 teeth
Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert
==============
A Roomful of Rednecks
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?
A full set of teeth.
========================
A Special Night in Iowa
Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.
======================
American Divorce
If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?
=============================
Airplane Hijinx
Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
============================
This one is for Andrea and her problems with the French language --- You are not alone
Difficult English
The bandage was wound around the wound.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
DDiva
Edited by delawarediva on 29/10/02 08:07 PM.
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: mathwhizchick on October 29, 2002, 10:13:50 pm
Personally, I think the thread on "A Rooster's Job" is pretty good, with Zebediah and Brewster the rooster and his prizes...
:)
:)
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: Judy Loux on October 29, 2002, 11:11:03 pm
And one more for good measure
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree
by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket
with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and
began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy.
Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As
he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the
cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's
Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the
bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I
just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up souls."
The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for
me to walk?"
When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for
me. One for you, one for me.
The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the
truth! Let's see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were
still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy
gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and
tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last
one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by
the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before
the boy.
DDiva
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree
by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket
with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and
began dividing the nuts.
"One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy.
Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As
he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the
cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me."
He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's
Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery."
He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the
bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I
just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up souls."
The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for
me to walk?"
When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for
me. One for you, one for me.
The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the
truth! Let's see the devil himself."
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were
still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy
gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and
tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.
At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last
one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by
the fence, and we'll be done."
They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before
the boy.
DDiva
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: Jackie G on October 30, 2002, 12:04:50 am
DD, some classic jokes there, I loved the cemetery one, can't think why I haven't seen/heard that one before! As for the English sentences, with no offence to anyone on here, but I think some of those would present problems to present English speakers!!! Ha ha ha !
Jari, welcome to the Hub. You're really diving in wholeheartedly I see - like your pic under your name! Hope you love these jokes.
As for the blonde ones, I think there are brunette and redhead-alikes, but they're not as long and not as funny. (but then I'm not a blonde!!!)
Jackie
www.iqps.org
DeskDemon Forum Board Staff
Jari, welcome to the Hub. You're really diving in wholeheartedly I see - like your pic under your name! Hope you love these jokes.
As for the blonde ones, I think there are brunette and redhead-alikes, but they're not as long and not as funny. (but then I'm not a blonde!!!)
Jackie www.iqps.org
DeskDemon Forum Board Staff
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: superninjaadmin on October 30, 2002, 04:37:58 am
Here's a groaner for you:
Why are there always fences around cemetaries?
Because people are just dieing to get in there...
SNA (I warned you) in Alaska
Why are there always fences around cemetaries?
Because people are just dieing to get in there...
SNA (I warned you) in Alaska
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: cocookie on October 30, 2002, 08:59:47 am
My favorite jokes of all time:
How do you catch a unique bird?
You 'neak up on him.
=========================================================
This next one is really better verbally, but here goes:
A very agitated guy goes in to see the psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, you have to help me. I keep having this dream that I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."
Doc says, "Calm down. You're two tents." ============ (too tense)
How do you catch a unique bird?
You 'neak up on him.
=========================================================
This next one is really better verbally, but here goes:
A very agitated guy goes in to see the psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, you have to help me. I keep having this dream that I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."
Doc says, "Calm down. You're two tents." ============ (too tense)
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: jari on October 30, 2002, 10:11:34 am
hee hee - they're just what the guys at work need! Any more? Keep them coming in! Joined a gym last night and need some good jokes to help me forget the agony I can feel all over my body!
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: radaro on October 30, 2002, 06:40:57 pm
Well, since the pirate jokes made it in -
How did the hot dog wear its hair?
In a bun!
What kind of car does the Ghost family drive?
A Dodge Scare-a-van
And one more:
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you'd mind answering a question for me?"
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, Senator. It's Tony Blair."
How did the hot dog wear its hair?
In a bun!
What kind of car does the Ghost family drive?
A Dodge Scare-a-van
And one more:
While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"
"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you'd mind answering a question for me?"
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"
Bush agrees and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."
Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, Senator. It's Tony Blair."
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: superninjaadmin on October 30, 2002, 07:24:54 pm
**giggle snort giggle**
SNA
SNA
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: andream on October 30, 2002, 07:29:10 pm
BWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Thanks, I needed that.
Andrea
Thanks, I needed that.
Andrea
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: countrigal on October 30, 2002, 07:36:28 pm
Oh that was so bad it was good.
CountriGal
Deskdemon Editorial Board Member
CountriGal
Deskdemon Editorial Board Member
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: mathwhizchick on October 30, 2002, 09:13:40 pm
3 vampires go into a bar. The bartender walks up to the first one and says "What can I get you?" The vampire says, "I want a pint of blood." The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too replies that he would like a pint of blood. The bartender then asks the third vampire for his drink order. The vampire says, "I want a pint of plasma." The bartender thinks for a minute and says, "Let me see if I've got this right: that's 2 bloods and a blood light?"
:)
:)
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: peana on October 31, 2002, 10:33:26 am
That's the best one in ages. I fully appreciate the coffee snorthing problem now!!
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: superninjaadmin on November 01, 2002, 02:25:58 am
I just got this one from a coworker and thought it was cute:
Maybe you need a girl’s night out…
The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a. m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he would probably wake up, I cuckooed anther 9 times. I was proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He did not seemed disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “oh ****”, cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
Maybe you need a girl’s night out…
The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.” I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy. Around 3 a. m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he would probably wake up, I cuckooed anther 9 times. I was proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him. The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00. He did not seemed disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one! Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “oh ****”, cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: bethalize on November 02, 2002, 12:36:37 am
Lol!
Just got this from P45.net
The Face At The Window
It was coming up to Halloween, in the middle of the countryside, and these two lads left the pub after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed: "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down a bit and, scared out of his wits, said: "What do ye want?" The old man softly replied: "Ye got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled "Step on it" to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing to each other. The driver said: "I dunno what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 60 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again!" the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said: "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw his disposable lighter out the window, saying: "Step on it!" They were driving about 80 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied: "Do ye want some help getting out of the mud?"
Bethalize
Deskdemon Forum Board Staff
Just got this from P45.net
The Face At The Window
It was coming up to Halloween, in the middle of the countryside, and these two lads left the pub after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed: "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down a bit and, scared out of his wits, said: "What do ye want?" The old man softly replied: "Ye got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled "Step on it" to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing to each other. The driver said: "I dunno what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 60 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again!" the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said: "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw his disposable lighter out the window, saying: "Step on it!" They were driving about 80 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied: "Do ye want some help getting out of the mud?"
Bethalize
Deskdemon Forum Board Staff
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: countrigal on November 04, 2002, 02:39:48 pm
I liked that one! CountriGal
Deskdemon Editorial Board Member
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: mathwhizchick on November 04, 2002, 08:42:04 pm
Jesus, Moses and an old bearded guy were playing golf. On the first tee, Moses shanked his ball into a lake. He parted the water and hit his ball onto the green.
Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard. But he walked on water and stroked his ball just short of the cup.
Then the old man with a beard stepped up for his tee shot. He hit the ball with tremendous force, but hooked it badly. The ball bounced off the clubhouse, hit the cart path and rolled down a hill into a pond, coming to rest on a lily pad.
A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, then an eagle swooped down, snatched up the frog and flew over the green. The frog dropped the ball and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your dad."
:)
Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard. But he walked on water and stroked his ball just short of the cup.
Then the old man with a beard stepped up for his tee shot. He hit the ball with tremendous force, but hooked it badly. The ball bounced off the clubhouse, hit the cart path and rolled down a hill into a pond, coming to rest on a lily pad.
A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, then an eagle swooped down, snatched up the frog and flew over the green. The frog dropped the ball and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your dad."
:)
Title: Re: Need good jokes!
Post by: radaro on November 05, 2002, 11:08:16 pm
This one is an old one and it hits below the belt!
Bill Gates is at a big party where he runs into Hugh Grant. (This is shortly after the time that Hugh had literally been caught with his pants down with a prostitute, Divine Brown). Bill and Hugh spend quite a while chatting. Finally, Bill gets around to the one question he has been dying to ask Hugh all night. He wants Divine Brown's phone number.
At first Hugh is reluctant to give out the information but after Bill begs and pleads, Hugh gives out Divine's phone number.
Well, Bill sets up a "date" with Divine. They get together in a hotel room and spend the night together. When they get up in the morning Bill says, "Wow, Divine that was the best night of sex I ever had. Now I know why they call you "divine".
To which Divine responds, "And now I know why they call you "Microsoft".
Bill Gates is at a big party where he runs into Hugh Grant. (This is shortly after the time that Hugh had literally been caught with his pants down with a prostitute, Divine Brown). Bill and Hugh spend quite a while chatting. Finally, Bill gets around to the one question he has been dying to ask Hugh all night. He wants Divine Brown's phone number.
At first Hugh is reluctant to give out the information but after Bill begs and pleads, Hugh gives out Divine's phone number.
Well, Bill sets up a "date" with Divine. They get together in a hotel room and spend the night together. When they get up in the morning Bill says, "Wow, Divine that was the best night of sex I ever had. Now I know why they call you "divine".
To which Divine responds, "And now I know why they call you "Microsoft".