PA and Secretary Community - Deskdemon.com

In addition to all the regular people I support, the department has a large number of contractors. One is filling in for a project manager who's away on medical leave, and so I must offer the same level of support to him--yet he's not really a regular employee.

He is overly friendly. He is forever noticing what I'm wearing--not in an overtly sexual way, but quite obviously in a heterosexual way, if you know what I mean. He comes into my cube to ask me things. He looks at and talks about the pictures of family and friends on my bulletin board (INSIDE MY CUBE, kthxbye). He stops by several times a day to chat about nonwork things.

I have tried to just be professional and polite, but the feeling I get from this man is that he wants to establish that he's the Hot Alpha Male and I'm Little Red Riding Hood. Note that he hasn't actually hit on me overtly--it's just his posture, his tone of voice, his choice of things to talk about. He's not REALLY hitting on me, he's just, as I said, making himself the obnoxious leader of the pack and spreading his male hormones around.

It's annoying and a little creepy, and yet there is little I can point to if I actually want to complain to someone. What I'm looking for is a good nonverbal way to tell him to stay the hell out of my cube and stop talking to me unless there's business to be done, and to do that over my counter, and to keep his distance.

Anyone?

GRR.

Working in a male dominated industry, I know just what kind of behavior you're talking about and its worse when the man thinks he's God's gift to the world.  Most of them are harmless but you can't always be sure who is harmless and who is going to turn in to a stalker dude on you.

Bottom line is that this fellow makes you uncomfortable which is cause for concern.  I don't know what your relationship is with your supervisor, but when I get those feelings about people I have to deal with, I mention to my boss that "I may be overreacting, but Jim is spending a lot of time in my office socializing and it is making me a bit uneasy.  If he were there about work, it probably wouldn't bother me as much, but he is increasingly visiting just to chat which is becoming a distraction.  What do you think I should do?"  

Other than that, I can only suggest that you continue to be professional and polite to this gentlman in your dealings with him.  You're not encouraging him now, so you're doing the right thing.  By mentioning it to your boss, if his behavior does start to cross the line, you won't be criticized for waiting to long and he/she will at least be aware of a possible problem.

Sorry I can't be more help.

Michelle

If he comes into your cube from behind, you could always manage to just be pushing your chair back (HARD) as he steps up behind you.  If you happen to hit some vital body part, so much the better .  Then, while apologizing profusely, you could simply say, "it's really dangerous to stand that close to me.  You might feel more comfortable standing on the other side of my counter."

Oh, I am feeling quite bad today...

HAHAHAHA! Unfortunately, the door of my cube is situated such that I can see people coming--and they do NOT need to come in here to see me. I make eye contact with Mr. Wonderful every time he steps out of his cube, which is often--I mean, to be fair, he does run in and out to meetings all the time.

Perhaps the Laser Eyes of Doom would be nice.

When he tries to make chit chat with you don't make eye contact with him and try to keep your voice even toned (try not to inflict any emotion).  Answer his questions in the shortest manner possible without adding any details.  If he wants to know more he will have to drag it out of you - not fun for him.  If he mentions what you are wearing don't say anything back, just keep a serious face and let him continue talking - he WILL eventually run out of things to say and feel uncomfortable and leave.  Or, after a few questions from him say "I'm in the middle of a project, did you need something?"  He usually won't have anything to say and leave.  If he does ask you for him with something, ask very precise short questions related to his project.  If he goes off subject don't comment about what he said just ask your question again until he gives you the information needed and then say "I'll work on this and bring it (send it to you) when I am done", then turn around and continue working.  Again, he will feel uncomfortable and leave.

I find that a lot of men who lack social skills do this to woman they work with.  They feel comfortable with them, so they try to show their dominance.  If you take away their comfort zone by not making it easy for them, they will leave you alone and move on.

Of course, you could always just saying "GO AWAY - I am not your friend!!"  (yes, I have said that to a couple of guys in my office and they did).

This is the best idea I've heard yet--not that the other ideas weren't great, but this seems tailored to the particular offender. I'm doing it ASAP.

I was just a wee bit cool to him Friday afternoon and already he's started looking more apprehensive. Hooray!

Having been through a situation that did not turn out well at all for my daughter, please, for your best interest, CYA.  Make it clear that the attention is unwanted.  Document everything you do and say.  Contact Human Resources and report this.  Report it to your immediate supervisor.  

When something similar happened to her, she tried to be the nice person.  Laugh it off, ignore it, ask politely that he not pay this attention to her.  To make a long story short, it escalated.  He finally physically attacked her.  Again, still wanting to be the nice person, she went to Human Resources who could not find enough "evidence" that anything happened.  She ended up getting an attorney, going to the EEOC and they did their investigation.  There was still not enough evidence that anything had happened.  

This guy was slick and knew how to cover his tracks.  During our searching we found three other women at various places where he had worked previously who had been attacked by this creep.  The company refused to do anything.  It goes without saying, after more than a year of trying to work it out, she left the company.  He is still there.

Please, please don't be the nice girl here and document everything.  If it turns out to be nothing more than just a socially immature male there is no harm done, but do everything possible to protect yourself first!!!

chevygirl55

Wow, that's a scary story.

Thanks for the advice.

The bad news: since the Mr. Friendly is a contractor, your company has very little leverage here. (no doubt he knows this.) Any punishment would have to be imposed by his employer (the contracting company), not your human resources dept. If the guy's a valuable employee to his employer, you're likely to be met with deaf ears if you complain about his conduct.

The good news is the guy's a contractor. He'll be gone when your permanent employee returns from medical leave. In the meantime, do not be shy about setting limits and following the good advice others gave here about how to avoid the dude.

Julie, I believe you're right--and this is the main reason I haven't spoken to my boss about it.

Have been as frosty as possible to this guy all day, and he appears to be bewildered. Good. Bewildered is better than schmoozy.

And of course, if nothing else works, simply look him in the eye and tell him you do not appreciate his personal comments on your dress or your family, and that you'd appreciate it if, when he needs to talk to you, he keep it professional and from the appropriate side of your desk (ie: not inside your cubicle) and you'll be glad to assist him on any work issues that may arise.  Let  him know that you do not feel it is necessary to be "chummy" at work, that you are there to do your job and you'll be glad to let him do his without the unneccesary chit-chat.  Sometimes these men think they need to chat you up to get you to help them, and don't realise that we're professionals and don't need to be coddled when it comes to work.  Give it to us straight and let us get on with our work, for goodness sake!

And definitely keep documentation of these things, no matter how minor they may seem, so that if he isn't benign, then you'll have something to support your claims of bothersome or harrassing behavior, depending on the level it reaches.

CountriGal
Peer Moderator

Oh, and the thought that just came to mind...  You could always smile nicely (think shrewd and calculatingly) at him and say something along the lines of  "I'm sure you're not meaning it this way, but you do realise that compliments like the ones you make of my dress could be construed as sexual harrassment.  As such, you might not want to make those comments in case they be misconstrued and you find yourself having to defend against sexual harrassment allegations."  Then turn away from him and go back to your work.  Maybe that would give him something to think about and get him to stop some of his commentary.

CountriGal
Peer Moderator

I'd go with that, but I'd use the word 'inappropriate' instead of going straight in with sexual harrassment.

Bethalize
Peer Moderator

Good thinking, all!

Yesterday when he started in with the usual slightly-over-the-line chat, I looked up from my work and said, calmly, "Do you need something?" He appeared startled and mumbled something about no, just blah blah blah (wasting your time, that is). I said, "Okay," and went back to what I was doing. He went away.

Excellent work, Dettu! Perhaps he might get the message now.  Those sorts of people are never pleasant to deal with.

Best wishes,

Raindance

Update: I also code invoices for this company, and I had a question about one so I took it to a manager (not our overall bossie, but the one that Schmoove deals with) and asked him about it. We got to talking and I told him just HOW uncomfortable I am with the whole situation--and he totally understood. He said he could try to talk to him.

I doubt that will stop it, but apparently I'm not the only one who doesn't think too highly of this gentleman and his approach to interpersonal communications.

Good for you! Don't doubt--while this may not stop it at once, it may soon come to pass, especially if you aren't the only one complaining.