A good start to the weekend...
1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.
2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.
3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.
"Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"
4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.
5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid then I was petrified.
7. The wife has been missing for a week now. Today, police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.
8. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin...3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"
10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70.
"Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."
11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
12. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
14. I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked on the side of the road.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."
15. I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Ho, Ho, Ho!