work "friendships" and real friendships

[dettu]

I've successfully enjoyed friendships with co-workers who weren't in the same department as me. However, when I met a woman I really liked and admired--and she was a manager in my own department--I was pleasant but not too chummy with her until I learned she'd be leaving the company. Then I gave her my private email address and phone and told her I'd like to be friends, as we were no longer working together. (We live not too far apart and are similar in age, interests etc. but she far outranked me then.) She agreed, and we have a great friendship now.

I believe that the candor necessary for true friendship doesn't really mix well into a working relationship. Things can go sour so quickly, almost like a romantic relationship, so my "work friends" can never be as close as my real friends. What do you all think?

[raindance]

It all depends on circumstances, Dettu.  

If you are at management level and you have a friend who is a subordinate, then that can present a difficulty.  What happens when you have to discipline that person?  A similar dilemma may occur if you own the company.  Equally, there may be difficulties if you are, say, EA to the CEO and you have friends in other departments - how do you avoid being indiscreet?  What would you do, for instance, if you knew that your friend in Works and Facilities was about to be made redundant or fired for being late/dishonest etc?  

My own policy towards my colleagues is to be friendly and helpful to everyone, to make them feel noticed and valued, but not to be familiar and not to have favourites.  I try to spend some time with everyone, to get to know them and their concerns and problems. With some of the younger admins, there's mentoring and general professional encouragement to be done, particularly as some want to go on to better things. Sponsoring someone's charity bike ride, remembering their birthdays, asking after their aged parents etc etc, is very important.  Being approachable is key, particularly for new colleagues just feeling their way in their jobs.

My really close friends are outside work, and some of them have been friends with me since I was a little girl.  They are people with whom I can let down my hair and do mad things or serious things as the mood takes us.  I probably wouldn't tell even them all my secrets; some things in life are just meant to be private.  Besides, if everyone knows everything about a person, life gets boring.

[gee4]

Dettu/Rain,

Funny you should mention this after my events of last week.  When I was at first confronted with the news I was to lose my job, my colleague who is PA to the CEO said, if you were losing your job sure wouldn't I know?  My answer was, it's because it's me, that you don't know.

I do agree working friendships are different however sometimes (and I have been guilty of this), I get too friendly too soon and then when something goes wrong I end up being hurt or offended.  Most of my friends in the company I have just left are senior managers or PA's.....that is because of our status and who we work for.  If a temp comes to any of our departments to work and they join us at lunch, we have to be careful of our conversations and the content therein, especially if it is work related.

I also believe that work colleagues stay friends for a while but when the dynamics change eg. someone leaves the company or moves on, then it's not always easy to keep in touch, it then becomes about making the effort.  I would say most of my friends are outside work, one or two of whom I met in a working environment.

Working relationships can also mean people take advantage and just because you are a friend, they think you owe them something at work.  It is hard to draw the line and then not cross it.  It is also very hard to say no to someone who you consider a friend yet also a work colleague.

People at work become our friends because we see them 5 days a week for 8 hours a day.  We eat with them, laugh with them, and very often socialise albeit in an after work situation.  I guess it's all about establishing our own ground rules and what we feel comfortable with.

[peaches2160]

I too keep my friends separate.  I don't talk about the office in the position I am in.  it is awkward when you know something is about to happen.  In order to remain impartial I choose not to become chummy with work friends.  Yes, lunch, no outside activities.  

[laurafmcdermott]

Same as peaches.  I don't socialize outside of working hours with any co-workers, and I try not to talk about work with my personal friends.  It is much too difficult to have a respectful working relationship with someone you socialize with.  I need to have boundaries at work.  This is my personality, others may be much more successful with keeping the lines drawn.

[mlm668]

My personal philosophy has been that I'm at work to work, not make friends.  If I happen to, great, if not, no loss.  I make an effort to be friendly, but I prefer to keep my personal life personal.  I used to work in the legal field and because of confidentiality, couldn't discuss work outside of work anyway so even though I left that field, the habit stuck.  And since most of those outside of work wouldn't have a clue what I'm talking about when it comes to my job/industry, it simply never comes up.


Michelle

[lucie33]

I think I would agree.  I like to be friendly to everyone at work, but keep that separate from friends I like to socialise with at home.  I think it's harder to keep things professional in the office if you are close outside of work, and it's more relaxing to leave everything connected with work in the office at the end of the day and mix with completely different people.

[misslynn]

"I have a best friend at work" is a question on Gallup's survey to rate a person's happiness at work.  We spend so many hours at work, 40+ hours, that I think not having friends there would be quite difficult.  It is natural for people to build relationships with people they are around that much.

For me, I do have some very close friends at work.

[gee4]

I know in my last job, if you weren't friendly with people or turned down invites out, you were isolated.  People mean well.  I think it looks bad if you don't make an effort when others do.  When I lost my dad, the girls rallied round, they couldn't have been better.  

However, at times yes I do my own thing or decline an offer if I don't want to do something but generally if you isolate yourself, people will stop asking you to join in and very soon you can have a work scenario that is not pleasant to be in every day.