I like to pretend that they did not hear me the first time.  I repeat exactly what I just told them.

Customer:  I would like to speak with John Doe.

Me:  I'm sorry he is out of the office.  However he is checking and answering his voice mail periodically while he is out.  Would you like his voice mail?

Customer:  Where is he?

Me:  He is out of the office.  Would you like his voice mail?

Customer:  WHERE is he?

Me:  He is out.

Customer: Okay give me voicemail.

They usually get the hint that they are not going to get anything further out of me because it's none of their business.

I'm with Andrea.  

I always politely say "no, not interested" until they ignore me and keep talking.  Then it's time to get downright rude and yell, "Can't you hear?  I said NO!  Let me speak to your supervisor now!"  Then I tell supervisor that the employee did not listen to me, to train them better and to please take me off the call list.

I would go with a subtle hint first:

Place a room deoderizer near the area where it can be seen but it's not too obvious - don't want to be brutal.

If he doesn't get the hint after that, then it's time for a private chat.  I would hesitate getting HR involved.  That might be uncessarily embarrassing.

I would use HR as a last resort.  It's probably embarrassing enough knowing that someone thinks you stink but to have TWO people tell you that you stink would be worse.  But if you've given him two or three chances and he still doesn't fix it, it's time to get a third party involved.  You need to be able to work in a clean, odor-free environment.

No.  She has a right to her own opinion.

However, if her attitude starts to affect her ability to make good decisions about this team project then it is time to mention to your boss that she may not be good for the team because her decisions don't seem to match the goals of the project.

Try freetranslation.com - it's helped me write whole letters in different languages.

They shouldn't need crystal balls to avoid dinner times.  A working knowledge of time zones would help.

For me it's not so much the calling during dinner time.  I don't want them to call at anytime period.  If I want to buy something from them I will look them up in the yellow pages and call them.  Just like they probably don't want customers calling them at home for customer support issues, I don't want them calling me at home trying to sell me something.  

There are other ways to advertise your products - T.V. commercials, newspaper ads, yellow pages, billboards.

And don't even think about putting a flyer on my windsheild either!

Sorry, like I said we can't afford to give merchandise or gift certificates.  It's just not in the budget this year.  We've had to lay people off because of the budget, I think those people would be pretty darn ticked off if we were to give away free prizes for some stupid survey.

We do have email and web site surveys.

Giving the surveys some color is a possibility, but again that would cost more money.  Black and white costs less.

The surveys are postage paid.

Making the surveys easier is not possible.  They are already pretty easy.  Although that gives me an idea - we could make them shorter.  Cut it down from 4 questions to 2.

Thanks for the input.

My boss has asked everyone to come up with ideas to increase the number of survey cards we get back from the customers to share during tomorrow's staff meeting.

I've been racking my brain and can't come up with any that don't cost money. And we can't afford to spend any money.

I have resorted to writing down anything at this point and here is what I came up with:

"Complete one survey get another one FREE."

Ahem, they're all free.  But the point is that I said the word FREE and that will make them come running.

Seriously I can't think of one thing, especially since I consider surveys a waste of paper and killing many trees.  We have not received any helpful feedback from these surveys so far.

Help?

I remember 8 tracks too.

I think everyone is right.  I grew up on a farm in Iowa.  We were always the last to know the latest "in" thing.  Whenever a new kid from out-of-state moved to town he/she would enlighten us on the latest fashions and music.  And it didn't help that we couldn't get cable T.V. in the country so I couldn't watch MTV like the other kids.  I think we only got 3 channels.

"I already have enough laundry to do, thank you."

    Yeah really!  Hubby and I end up with 7 loads a week.

We really want to, but my lover's spouse just won't go for it.

     This is my sisters real excuse.  Her boyfriend can't afford a divorce from his wife because he is too lazy to get a job.  My sister supports them with a part-time job.  She claims he is looking for the "perfect" job.  Nah, he's just a lazy slob.

I counted 12 items.  But I'm really not that old yet - only 29.

Thank you.

At least the article provided some good tips to avoid the calls.  Hopefully this means I won't be getting them.  I never write my cell phone down as a contact to people other than friends or family.  And I still have a home phone so don't have to worry about that one either.

Update:

Despite the "surprise" part, the birthday celebration went well.  The people planning to bring pot luck food still brought the food and I thought the cake was lovely even if it was done wrong.  Despite regretting turning 40, Lori still appreciated our thoughtfulness in the end.

I have decided just to lay low and stay out of Nita's way until this all blows over and she realizes that she overreacted about this whole thing.  Sooner or later things will get back to normal between Nita and I.  We always got along great until yesterday.

I had to change the copier toner and was in the bathroom washing my hands (toner is always a little messy) when Nita came out of one of the bathroom stalls.  So I discreetly finished washing and got the heck out of there without drying to avoid any possible confrontation.

Wow!  I applaud you Radar.  I've wanted to say that numerous times but did not have the courage.