Again, sorry to hear about your dismissal.

I have a friend who is dyslexic and he spent some time testing computer products for dyslexics.  If you contact the Dyslexia Institute or the British Dyslexia Association I am sure that they will be able to tell you your legal rights about your dismissal and of the latest software available to help dyslexics with their typing.

I would also say that your post doesn't give your dyslexia away and as you have obviously being doing a good job for other companies in the past (I won't say how many years) don't let this one company knock your confidence.  From your post I also think that you are probably best off out of there.

Best wishes.

mina

I thought 'grey' was the UK spelling and 'gray' was the US spelling.  

mina

Not sure if this one has been posted before.  Warning - no drinking.  Mina

1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?" "No, you had your chance Lights out." Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad...." "WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what's growing in your butt?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, ' The sky is falling, the sky is falling! '"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father she stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to get boobs too."

Something for a Friday...

The following are all replies that women have put on British Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details (the agency that can force absent fathers to pay child support).

These are genuine excerpts from the forms (names removed).

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [name removed].  I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind.  I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl.  She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night.  I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted.  If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number?  Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter.  He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.  Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man.  I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy.  I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.  Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me.  I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. [name given] is the father of child A.  If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney, maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur.  The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a programme about eggs earlier in the evening.  If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at [address given], mine might have remained unfertilised.

My notice period is 4 weeks, and I think that is the standard throughout the company for this level.

Mina

Another gazelle here

About the Graceful Gazelle

You are like a Graceful Gazelle. Someone that always knows what is going on in and out of the office, whether it is the latest gossip, where everyone is going on holiday or what happens next in the soaps. You move around the office with graceful elegance and all-seeing eyes. You can be out of the office with an amazing turn of speed, especially if your favourite client is visiting a colleague.

Occasionally you leave something to the last minute such as a telephone call that had to be made by lunch time because the person was out this afternoon. This is not the norm for you because the Graceful Gazelle likes everything done well before time. You know that when it is necessary you can rely on a graceful flicker of your eye lashes to gain a little bit more time from the male of the species.

How the Graceful Gazelle can improve at work

The Graceful Gazelle knows how to react in a crisis. Such as when to offer a shoulder to cry on or when the boss needs his coffee black because he was out with a client last night. This knowing, caring attitude is much admired but it sometimes brings out a jealous streak in colleagues.

You keep your files in order and your desk is always left neat and tidy at the end of the day. There is one area you can improve on and that is the way you prioritise the work that has to be done. Sometimes you just miss a time deadline because you complete a piece of work you like doing instead of something you don’t.

Ideas to help the Graceful Gazelle glide through her work

Don’t have any more close shaves at work and save up those favours with your boss for when you want to go home early on a Friday. To make sure everything is completed in priority order try using the Avery Part Files. These help you sort out and prioritise your work at the start of the day with one section for each job. They have an elasticated fastener so that nothing is lost but it is still easy enough to add in extra information as it arrives. These files have other uses such as keeping agendas and supporting documents together so your boss only has one file for all their meetings this week.

With my present boss I have initiated all training that I wanted to do and as long as I have a reasonable reason and can show the results afterwards he is very happy.  

If I feel I need training in a specific area I will discuss it with him and the company has contract with a training company so there are usually a number of them going on to chose from.  And I believe in taking all the training I can get, within reason.

I am sure the wrapping paper I saw is the leftovers from last year making a reappearance.  September is far too early to think about Christmas let alone wrapping paper!

Mina

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

* * * *

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children - last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.

Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

* * * * * *

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.

Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

* * * * * *

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.  This posed real problems in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

* * * * * *

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying "dirt poor."

* * * * * *

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.

Hence the saying a "thresh hold."

* * * * * *

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.

They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.


Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

* * * * * *

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.

It was sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

* * * * * *

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

* * * * * *

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."


* * * * * *

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

Hence the custom of holding a "wake."

* * * * *

England is old and after a while the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to the "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

* * * * * *

Now, whoever said that History was boring! ! ! !

About a year ago our company did a 3-month trial with dress down attire on Friday's.  After the 3 months the company said that it had been such a success that the office was moving to smart casual all the time.  

I have to say that I haven't noticed a difference, apart from one or two leaving their ties in the desk drawer in case of visitors.  I even recently mentioned that we have a dress down policy to a colleague - he hadn't even realised that there was one!

Perhaps it is the industry and the location that make everyone feel that a suit (and tie for men) is proper attire.

I did recently manage to find the dress policy hidden away in the intranet - no flip flops, shorts, mini skirts, trainers, crop tops.  

In a way I think I prefer wearing suits - one I am not a morning person and it is much easier grabbing a suit and shirt in the morning and not having to think, and also at both my primary school and secondary school everyone had a uniform to wear including ties for girls.  On the other hand it is nice to have the option of dressing down, if I am dashing off for the weekend, leaving straight from work.

The One Flaw in Women

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart-and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?" asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model.  I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their family can have. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get rewards. They’re happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.  They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colours. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

I have to say that I have never experienced shouting from colleagues and especially not in my present office.  Here (apart from my phone) it is often so quiet you could hear the proverbial pin drop!  I would say that my office is also an office where people seethe.  

In past jobs I have been shouted at by customers.  I found that keeping my voice low and calm helped - it meant that they had to lean in towards me to hear and with a calm voice I found that this usually quieted them down.  If it didn't, I called security and had them escorted out!  

I have been shouted and sworn at over the phone.  I gave them one warning and then put the phone down.  I only had to do it 7 times for one customer to get the message!

mina

WARNING: men may not want to read this post!  

A little story about playful kittens by by Asner Borgnine

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.

On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "The garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it".

"You know where the button is." I protested through the shower(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"

"I am scared!" She pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behaviour was not without consequence. I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their work while suppressing hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?" If they had only known.

And this is why I don't have any children!

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN...(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Lego pieces will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. As well as various change.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show that they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odour is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Halifax, VA has at least a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of an eight-year-old is wonderful. The mind of an eleven-year is great. The mind of a seventeen-year old is scary

This one always cheers me up when I have had a bad day at work.

The next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.  Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.  He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.  Below is an e-mail he sent his sister.  She then sent it to Laughline, who was sponsoring a “worst job experience” contest.  Needless to say, she won.  Here’s how it went:

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.  Last week I had a bad day at the office.  I know you’ve been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it’s not so bad after all.

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.  As you know my office lies at the bottom of the sea.  I wear a suit to the office.  It’s a wet suit.  This time of year the water is quite cool.  So what we do to keep warm is this; we have a diesel powered industrial water heater.  This $20,000.00 piece of sh*t sucks the water out of the sea.  It heats it to a delightful temperature.  It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a damn good plan, and I’ve used it several times with no complaints.  What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is, I take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.  This floods the whole suit with warm water.  It’s like working in a jacuzzi.  Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch.  So, of course, I scratched it.  This only made things worse.  Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.  I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.  In agony, I realised what had happened.  The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my wet suit.  Now since I don’t have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn’t stick to it.  However the crack of my ass was not so fortunate.  When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass.  I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.  His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically.  

Needless to say I aborted the dive.  I was instructed to make 3 agonising in-water stops totalling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.  When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.  As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my ass as soon as I get in the chamber.  The cream put the fire out, but I couldn’t sh*t for 2 days because my **** was swollen shut.  So, the next time you’re having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your ass.