Browse Forum Recent Topics  
 

Welcome to the DeskDemon Forums
You will need to Login in or Register to post a message. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.

Pages: [1] 2   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Need good jokes!  (Read 13928 times)
jari
Newbie
*
Posts: 27


View Profile
« on: October 29, 2002, 01:59:30 pm »

We seriously need new jokes here at work.  The best anyone could come up with today was:

What d'ya call an aardvark that's been thumped in a fight?


A vaark!

Now you can see my problem!!!

Logged
mathwhizchick
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 575


View Profile
« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2002, 02:03:51 pm »

Where do pirates go on vacation?

ARRRRRRgentina!!!

What kind of socks do pirates wear?

ARRRRRRgyle

Smiley

Logged
andream
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 1441


View Profile
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2002, 02:06:20 pm »

:groan:!

Logged
andream
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 1441


View Profile
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2002, 02:07:56 pm »

okay this is serious, Jari, new to the forum boards works in a place that's currently out of humour, I say DD'ers to the RESCUE!!!!!!! come on y'all I've been reading your jokes for years now someone WANTS them, it's your fifteen minutes of fame!

Logged
jari
Newbie
*
Posts: 27


View Profile
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2002, 03:39:40 pm »

Now I'm concerned........... I get the feeling I'm gonna regret asking for jokes!  Only joking guys............

.............. I'm all ears!

Logged
countrigal
Global Moderator
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 5102



View Profile
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2002, 03:54:42 pm »

Don't know if this is what you're looking for, but my sis just sent this to me (and I think I've read it somewhere else before).  This is, of course, all in fun...  (Now I'm off to find the one that is similiar but for brunettes and redheads -- gotta be fair! )



SHE WAS Sooooooooooooooooo BLONDE.........

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept...
She sent me a fax with a stamp on it....
She thought a quarterback was a refund....
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order...
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools....
She thought General Motors was in the army....
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats....
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday....
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
She tripped over a cordless phone...
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."...
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."...
At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she  put "Sagittarius."...
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
She studied for a blood test....
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."...
She sold the car for gas money!...
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead....
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:...
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved....
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company....
If she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless....
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening......
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "Tits Go In Front".


CountriGal
Deskdemon Editorial Board Member
Logged
jari
Newbie
*
Posts: 27


View Profile
« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2002, 04:40:28 pm »

Nice one!  I just sent it to my rather blond haired boss and she had to laugh!  



Logged
jari
Newbie
*
Posts: 27


View Profile
« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2002, 04:48:40 pm »

I take it pirates do their Christmas shopping in...wait for it.....

Aaarrrgg-gos!



Logged
andream
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 1441


View Profile
« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2002, 04:57:37 pm »

oh Dear Lord, you've all infected Jari. :hangs head in shame: Jari our newest user on the boards has been infected with the bad joke syndrome that seems to occur at the Humour Zone from time to time.  :wipes a tear from her eye, sniffles a bit and goes gamely on:  And Jari has a boss to whom she can SEND blonde jokes.. colour me GREEN!

Y'all know that Delaware Diva is gonna jump in here any minute now, she's the reigning QUEEN of groaner jokes and I know we're not long from seeing her enter this thread....

:tosses down the gauntlet and wanders off to do some real work:

Andrea
Editor
Still tryin to get the £$£*()! coffee outta my keyboard from this morning.

For our US readers, Argos (www.argos.co.uk) is the UK equal to Walmart,, well without the smiling customer service types, think of it as a cross between Walmart where everything is cheap and Service Merchandise where you order from a catalog,,, without the show room.  You order, you have it delivered, or you pick it up.)

Logged
Judy Loux
Sr. Member
****
Posts: 421



View Profile
« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2002, 08:54:07 pm »

So You Asked for It.!!!!!!

Bill Gates and General Motors

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.

"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."

"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"

Blonde Looking for a Job

A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.

''Yes.''

Blonde Loses Sweet Job

Why did the blonde get fired from her job at the M&M factory?
She threw away all the "W&W's"

Blonde Secretary's Memo to her Boss

TO: Boss
FROM: Blondie
RE: Changing Calendars from Y2K
I hope that I haven't misunderstood your instructions because, to be honest, none of this Y to K problem made much sense to me. At any rate, I have finished the conversion of all of the months on all of the company calendars for next year.  The calendars have returned from the printer and are ready to be distributed with the following new months:
Januark
Februark
Mak
Julk
I also changed all the days of each week to:
Sundak
Mondak
Tuesdak
Wednesdak
Thursdak
Fridak
Saturdak
We are now Y to K compliant.  Have a nice dak!!!

C.E.O. D.U.M.B

One day a secretary is leaving on her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless look on his face. The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.

"Yes!" he says looking and sounding relieved, "This is very important."

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper. Then her boss says, "Thanks, I only need one copy."

How to Sell a Bible

Three little boys were looking for a summer job. Their preacher needed some people to go around and sell bibles. So the preacher hired two boys without even thinking twice. But he was hesitant about hiring the third boy because he suffered from a speech impediment.

So after the first days of work they all met back at the church. The preacher looked at the first boy and asked him, "How many bibles did you sell?"

The boy stood up and said, "35."

"Is that all you sold?" the preacher asked.

"He looked at the secound boy and asked him the same thing. The boy said, "75." "That is good," the preacher replied.

He didn't want to ask the third boy but did. The boy with the speech impedement said ''I-I-I s-s-sold 175.'' The preacher was amazed and asked the boy how did he sell all of the bibles. He said ''I-I-I t-t-told them to b-b-buy t-t-them or I will r-r-read it to t-t-them'''


This was the best I could do on short notice, I'll keep looking.


DDiva


Edited by delawarediva on 29/10/02 07:55 PM.

Logged
Judy Loux
Sr. Member
****
Posts: 421



View Profile
« Reply #10 on: October 29, 2002, 09:05:27 pm »

Here are a few more.  The last one is for Andrea

132 legs and 8 teeth

Q: What has 132 legs and 8 teeth?
A: The front row of a Garth Brooks concert
==============
A Roomful of Rednecks

What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room?
A full set of teeth.
========================
A Special Night in Iowa

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.
======================
American Divorce

If a man and a woman get married in Texas and move to Washington are they still brother and sister?
=============================
Airplane Hijinx

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane.
"Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose.
"Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second.
"Where you flyin' to, bitch?"
============================
This one is for Andrea and her problems with the French language --- You are not alone


Difficult English

The bandage was wound around the wound.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse

We must polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

DDiva

Edited by delawarediva on 29/10/02 08:07 PM.

Logged
mathwhizchick
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 575


View Profile
« Reply #11 on: October 29, 2002, 10:13:50 pm »

Personally, I think the thread on "A Rooster's Job" is pretty good, with Zebediah and Brewster the rooster and his prizes...
Smiley

Logged
Judy Loux
Sr. Member
****
Posts: 421



View Profile
« Reply #12 on: October 29, 2002, 11:11:03 pm »

And one more for good measure

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree
by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucket
with pecans and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and
began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, and one for me. One for you, one for me,"
said one boy.

Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As
he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the
cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for
you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "It's
Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery."

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the
bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "You won't believe what I
just heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery
dividing up souls."

The man said. "Beat it, kid, can't you see it's hard for
me to walk?"

When the boy insisted, the man hobbled to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for
me. One for you, one for me.

The old man whispered, "Boy, you, you've been tellin' the
truth! Let's see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were
still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy
gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and
tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last
one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by
the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before
the boy.

DDiva

Logged
Jackie G
Global Moderator
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 2925



View Profile
« Reply #13 on: October 30, 2002, 12:04:50 am »

DD, some classic jokes there, I loved the cemetery one, can't think why I haven't seen/heard that one before!  As for the English sentences, with no offence to anyone on here, but I think some of those would present problems to present English speakers!!!  Ha ha ha !

Jari, welcome to the Hub.  You're really diving in wholeheartedly I see - like your pic under your name!  Hope you love these jokes.

As for the blonde ones, I think there are brunette and redhead-alikes, but they're not as long and not as funny.  (but then I'm not a blonde!!!)

Jackie
www.iqps.org
DeskDemon Forum Board Staff
Logged
superninjaadmin
Hero Member
*****
Posts: 746


View Profile
« Reply #14 on: October 30, 2002, 04:37:58 am »

Here's a groaner for you:

Why are there always fences around cemetaries?

Because people are just dieing to get in there...  

SNA (I warned you) in Alaska

Logged

You will need to Login in or Register to post a message.

Pages: [1] 2   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by SMF 1.1.9 | SMF © 2006-2009, Simple Machines LLC