Message #44900

[andream]

But if this is the person you report to, who does your review every year, who controls every aspect of your workday, then perhaps it is healthier for you to try to limit contact? Developing your workplace "people skills" is one thing, but subjecting yourself to abuse is another. Really I think we are discussing apples and oranges. Annoying people can be dealt with. Manipulative, power-wielding despots (wow!) are probably a lost cause.


Not so grasshopper… Now snatch this pebble from my hand… Sorry, I’m having a 70’s TV flashback kinda day.

In all seriousness.  Avoidance should only be a temporary measure.  And don’t get me wrong I’ve used it myself, still do at times when absolutely necessary to preserve my own sanity and to create a safe and healthy working environment.  That being said, avoidance will not change the situation.  In fact it validates the situation.  Your Megalomaniac says to herself “Ha. I haven’t heard anything from Supergirl these last couple of weeks, she must understand and approve of what I am doing”

Sure you know it’s not the case, you’re only avoiding this person because they make you crazy, or are communicating with you in a way that causes discomfort.  But remember the person you’re dealing with will assume that your lack of communication is tacit approval of their actions, communications or work product.  Saying nothing in their world (and in their warped logic) is the same as a big warm hug that says “gee you’re great”.

Then, after you’ve been tooling along avoiding them for a few weeks will come a situation where you can not avoid.  Suddenly you’re not agreeing with your megalo manipulator, they are furious and in their mind you move from someone who disagreed with them from time to time to someone who has out and out betrayed them.  I know that hard to follow, but look at if from the other person’s point of view.

During Avoidance

I’ve heard nothing from Supergirl for weeks, she must approve of what I’m doing! I like Supergirl because she MUST approve of me and my actions.  I’ve not heard anything, we’ve not had an argument in weeks! Therefore she now sees that my way was the right way, OR someone from management informed her to shut her gob because my way was the right way.

After Avoidance stops and it will stop you can’t keep it up forever no matter how hard you try….

I can not believe Supergirl disagreed with me at the meeting! How DARE she bring up that project last week as an example of when my theory didn’t work! She’s got it in for me. What a snake in the grass she is, Never saying anything and waiting until we were in a meeting to make a comment like that!

Now in truth you might have only waited because you had no other choice. But look at it from that megalomainac’s eyes (fractured as that picture may be!) You’ve been lying in wait for her to fail, sabotagueing her quietly.  You now bear careful watching and woe to you if you get in her way.  She’ll attack like a Pit bull dog.

Again, let me say that Avoidance is sometimes necessary in short doses but it will not make your situation better and it will not solve the fundamental problem.  You will have no say so in your performance review with this person because they will automatically assume that you loved everything about them and agreed with them.  

If you’re in an abusive situation you need to follow procedures for documenting, keeping notes of abuse in a place that is safe for you to do so.  (not your office computer!) You may not have a big HR department to go to, and those notes can make the difference in your career and in the kind of reference that is given if or when you ever leave.

I think here though, that it is vitally important to consider the difference between abuse and being a Jerk.  There are laws against abuse when it’s actually abuse, there are not laws about poor communicators who are full of themselves and who make you crazy because of their style and your own impinged ability to deal with their style.

I stand by my statement; Avoidance is a dangerous game and should be practiced only on a short term basis!

Due to the fluctuations in the exchange rate, Andrea’s sixpence has just become a US quarter’s worth….