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jahdra
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« on: March 12, 2003, 07:45:58 pm » |
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I have supported a "big" partner, along with the rest of his group, for over a year. I have had a very difficult time getting him to communicate with me directly, and he always seems to disappear from the office for a week as soon as I ask if he has 5 minutes. Since I am/was supposed to guide the other admins in the group through the new procedures and polices HE wanted implemented, this is very frustrating!
This morning, we were both in the kitchen and he asked me a question about an important meeting he has tomorrow that I have been coordinating. His voice was shaking and he couldn't look me in the eye. All of a sudden, the thought popped into my head: "He's afraid of me!" Suddenly, his behavior in the past year makes sense, he's always drawn away from me when I come into his office, he can barely speak to me outside of his office, if he's not armored with his earpiece for his cell and his briefcase. He always seems very nervous around me. And it's just me he acts that way around. He's rather quiet, but a confident man, otherwise he wouldn't have reached the position he's in. He has no problem with his reports or clients or anyone else that I can tell.
So, am I reading this right, and if so, how do I deal with it? I'm not the kind of admin people are AFRAID of; a consistent thread through my reviews at this firm has been that I can talk to anyone, at any level, in the firm or at a client and treat everyone equally and warmly. I don't bite people's heads off, throw things, yell and scream, make threats or anything else like that.
He is going through a very difficult time with his family right now, his wife is seriously, perhaps terminally, ill. But I don't understand why he's afraid of me, if that's what it is. Help?
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ozbound
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« Reply #1 on: March 12, 2003, 08:07:12 pm » |
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Hmm, that is a mystery. Maybe you remind him of someone he was afraid of in the past (such as his wife or his mother)? I think this may be a job for professional counseling, especially with the stressful situation he has with his family now. I don't know how you'd approach him about this except for to be frank and tell him you've noticed he seems a bit timid around you and you were wondering why.
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dwreath
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« Reply #2 on: March 12, 2003, 08:36:30 pm » |
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No advice here... but just tossing out a possible reason.....
Could he be attracted to you? With his wife being ill... Things might not be 'normal' at home as husband and wife and he may be nervous and upset at himself for finding another woman attractive when his wife is ill. I have heard from others that they feel tremondous guilt for desiring someone else when there spouse is (terminally) Ill and also that they surprise themselves with those type of feelings.. and thus the major guilt.
Just a possibility.
D.
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blufire21
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« Reply #3 on: March 12, 2003, 09:25:38 pm » |
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Ya know, I think he's attracted to you. That would make the most sense. He obviously doesn't want to act on those feelings (if that is the case), or he would not be so stand-offish wht you.
Ellen in TX
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Jackie G
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« Reply #4 on: March 12, 2003, 10:34:10 pm » |
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OR - is he just completely stressed out? Is he having panic attacks? Should he really be at work?  Jackie www.iqps.org
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blufire21
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« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2003, 10:56:18 pm » |
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It sounds to me like you need to have a good talk with your boss. Schedule a 30 minute meeting with him. Make sure it is on his calendar, and not a "when you have time, can we talk?" thing as he disapears when you do that. Sit down and explain to him, objectively, what you have been experiencing over the past year. Be non-emotional about it. Don't include what you are "sensing" (read afraid), but explain how it affects your work.
A good example of your side of the converation would be:
"Bossie, I've noticed that when I'm in the room, your additude and deminor changes. You become more withdrawn, and slow to respond to my requests. Also, when I ask you for some time to meet, I feel like you disapear for a long time. This causes a problem for me because when I can't find you, or you are hesitant to respond to my request, it hinders my ablity to support you and the office. Is there something I am doing to cause this, or is there something I can do to help expidite such issues into resolution?" Course, this is just a suggestion, but I think it might help you. If nothing else, it will make your boss relize you notice such things, and he should back off one way or another. DO NOT mention that he doesn't seem to do this with anyone else, but only with you. If he is attracted to you, this might make things worse.
Ellen in TX
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bethalize
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« Reply #6 on: March 13, 2003, 12:14:12 pm » |
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Omigod! Too many possibilities!
Gotta talk to him though, Jahdra. His behaviour is affecting your performance so it can't be allowed to continue.
Bethalize
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countrigal
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« Reply #7 on: March 13, 2003, 03:04:56 pm » |
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I tend to agree with Ellen. A nice, non-confrontational conversation letting him know that you have become aware of some of his habits and asking if there is anything you can do to assist him would be best. You never know, it may be something simple that he's not aware of and with you mentioning it he might be able to adjust his behavior.
CountriGal
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donnap99
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« Reply #8 on: March 13, 2003, 03:47:24 pm » |
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Then there's the other side of the attraction coin - could he have misinterpreted anything along the way which led him to believe that you are attracted to him? With the stress he is under, I could see misinterpretation of verbal and non-verbal language a definite possibility. Even just asking about his wife and showing concern could have made him wonder. Maybe rather than questioning why does he act this way when you are around him, which could put him on the defensive, ask if there is something you have done that makes him feel uncomfortable with you. Let us know what you do, and what he has to say. DonnaP99 |
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JessW
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« Reply #9 on: March 13, 2003, 03:50:49 pm » |
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I agree. A few years ago I used to be PA to an Equity Partner here (he died), and we had a guy straight out of the army who worked here for less than a year. I sware by whatever that whenever we came across each other he reminded me of one of those rabbits that gets caught in your car headlights at night - petrified. I did nothing about it. I don't know how much of his leaving was due to me or how much was down to him not being able to cope in civilian life. I would suggest a neutral place and a drink each for the location - it could make all the difference with both of you out of 'work mode'. Just my few pennies worth! Jess Edited by jwaddington on 13/03/03 02:56 PM. |
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