Disorder in the Court

[ozbound]

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court,
and are things people actually said in court, word for
word, taken down and now published by court reporters
- who had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these
are excellent - don't miss the last one.

Q:  Are you sexually active?
A:  No, I just lie there.
_______________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory
at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something
that you've forgotten?
______________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_______________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you
when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
________________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next
morning?
_________________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is
he?
__________________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
__________________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
________________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
____________________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on
dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
___________________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school
did you go to?
A: Oral.
___________________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was
doing an autopsy.
__________________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
__________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practising law somewhere.

[radaro]

Ouch, that last one is the best retort in the book!  I laughed so hard my popcorn went flying everywhere but at least it didn't get snorted through my nose.

[raindance]

ROFLOLOLOLOL.  That is so funny.  Now I know about lawyers ...

[akara]

Reminds me of a joke I know...


An engineer died and due to an administrative error, ended up Downstairs instead of in Heaven.

'Welcome to eternal torment,' said the devil, and sent the engineer off into the fiery pits.

Pretty soon the engineer decided to make his life in Hell a bit more comfortable, and worked on making a few improvements.  He installed flushing toilets, and air conditioning, and after a while he found that Hell was becoming more or less bearable.

Some time later God phoned up the Devil to find out how things were (as apparently He is inclined to do).  "Just want to let you know how great things are here," said God.  "And how are things down there?  Everyone subject to pain and endless torment as usual?"

"Actually things are pretty good," said the Devil.  "We've got an engineer down here, and he's made things real comfortable for us."

God was indignant.  "An engineer?  How did that happen?  All engineers come to us.  I'll sue!"

The Devil laughted uproriously for several minutes.  "Yeah, right," he said to God when he'd calm down.  "Sue!  That's a good one!  And where are YOU gonna find a LAWYER....?"

[mathwhizchick]

Of course, it doesn't help that (as a generality) doctors and lawyers don't mix (kinda like cows and horses, according to my small-town raised DH).  They tend to spark off each other--each thinks the other is a flaming idiot....

[radaro]

What's the difference between God and a doctor?

God doesn't think that He's a doctor.

[mathwhizchick]

A small town doctor and the local lawyer, while good friends, were always trying to one-up each other.
One day the doctor came home and found his 4 year old boy playing the front yard.  When he looked closer, he saw that his son was playing with a pile of dog poop.
"Uh, son, what are you doing?"
"I'm making a lawyer!!" the son replied.
Well, the doctor thought that was so good that he called his friend, the lawyer and told him that he HAD to come over, that it was important.
The lawyer drove over, parked his car and walked over to the doctor and his son.  
"Son," the doctor said, "tell this man what you are doing."
"I'm making a lawyer!!" the son replied.
Ignoring the grinning doctor, the lawyer asked, "well, why are you making a lawyer?  Why not something else, like a doctor?"
The little boy replied, "I tried to make a doctor first, but I didn't have enough."

[countrigal]

Ohhh... these follow-up jokes are cute too! Nice tongue in cheek!

CountriGal
Deskdemon Editorial Board Member