Need good jokes!

[cocookie]

My favorite jokes of all time:

How do you catch a unique bird?

You 'neak up on him.
=========================================================

This next one is really better verbally, but here goes:

A very agitated guy goes in to see the psychiatrist.  He says, "Doc, you have to help me.  I keep having this dream that I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam.  I'm a teepee, I'm a wigwam."

Doc says, "Calm down.  You're two tents."  ============ (too tense)

[jari]

hee hee - they're just what the guys at work need! Any more?  Keep them coming in!  Joined a gym last night and need some good jokes to help me forget the agony I can feel all over my body!  

[radaro]

Well, since the pirate jokes made it in -

How did the hot dog wear its hair?
In a bun!

What kind of car does the Ghost family drive?
A Dodge Scare-a-van

And one more:

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate." She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: "Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you'd mind answering a question for me?"

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees and Helms leaves. Helms immediately calls meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem. "Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you idiot."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, Senator. It's Tony Blair."

[superninjaadmin]

**giggle snort giggle**  

SNA

[andream]

BWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Thanks, I needed that.

Andrea

[countrigal]

Oh that was so bad it was good.  

CountriGal
Deskdemon Editorial Board Member

[mathwhizchick]

3 vampires go into a bar.  The bartender walks up to the first one and says "What can I get you?"  The vampire says, "I want a pint of blood."  The bartender then asks the second vampire, and he too replies that he would like a pint of blood.  The bartender then asks the third vampire for his drink order.  The vampire says, "I want a pint of plasma."  The bartender thinks for a minute and says, "Let me see if I've got this right:  that's 2 bloods and a blood light?"

[peana]

That's the best one in ages.  I fully appreciate the coffee snorthing problem now!!

[superninjaadmin]

I just got this one from a coworker and thought it was cute:  

Maybe you need a girl’s night out…

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the girls.”  I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!”  Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.  Around 3 a. m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.  Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.  Quickly, realizing he would probably wake up, I cuckooed anther 9 times.  I was proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with him.  The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him 12:00.  He did not seemed disturbed at all.  Whew!  Got away with that one!  Then he said, “We need a new cuckoo clock.”  When I asked him why, he said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, “oh ****”, cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the cat and farted.

[bethalize]

Lol!

Just got this from P45.net

The Face At The Window

It was coming up to Halloween, in the middle of the countryside, and these two lads left the pub after a long night of drinking, jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed: "Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face there!" The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in the window. The passenger rolled his window down a bit and, scared out of his wits, said: "What do ye want?" The old man softly replied: "Ye got any tobacco?" The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and yelled "Step on it" to the driver, rolling up the window in terror.
A few minutes later they calmed down and started laughing to each other. The driver said: "I dunno what happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says we're doing 60 now."
All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the window and the old man reappeared. "There he is again!" the passenger yelled. He rolled down the window and shakily said: "Yes?"
"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked. The passenger threw his disposable lighter out the window, saying: "Step on it!" They were driving about 80 miles an hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden there came some more tapping.
"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled down the window and screamed in stark terror, "WHAT NOW?"
The old man gently replied: "Do ye want some help getting out of the mud?"

Bethalize
Deskdemon Forum Board Staff

[countrigal]

 I liked that one!

CountriGal
Deskdemon Editorial Board Member

[mathwhizchick]

Jesus, Moses and an old bearded guy were playing golf.  On the first tee, Moses shanked his ball into a lake.  He parted the water and hit his ball onto the green.
Jesus teed off, hitting his ball into another water hazard.  But he walked on water and stroked his ball just short of the cup.
Then the old man with a beard stepped up for his tee shot.  He hit the ball with tremendous force, but hooked it badly.  The ball bounced off the clubhouse, hit the cart path and rolled down a hill into a pond, coming to rest on a lily pad.
A frog hopped over and picked up the ball, then an eagle swooped down, snatched up the frog and flew over the green.  The frog dropped the ball and it rolled into the cup for a hole in one.
Moses turned to Jesus and said, "I really hate playing golf with your dad."

[radaro]

This one is an old one and it hits below the belt!

Bill Gates is at a big party where he runs into Hugh Grant.  (This is shortly after the time that Hugh had literally been caught with his pants down with a prostitute, Divine Brown).  Bill and Hugh spend quite a while chatting.   Finally, Bill gets around to the one question he has been dying to ask Hugh all night.  He wants Divine Brown's phone number.

At first Hugh is reluctant to give out the information but after Bill begs and pleads, Hugh gives out Divine's phone number.

Well, Bill sets up a "date" with Divine.  They get together in a hotel room and spend the night together.  When they get up in the morning Bill says, "Wow, Divine that was the best night of sex I ever had.  Now I know why they call you "divine".

To which Divine responds, "And now I know why they call you "Microsoft".