This one is a little long, but you may want to be alone when you read it - the first time I read it I was ROFLMAO, tears streaming down my face - anyone walking in would have had me committed.      



CHILI CONTEST!

     Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity from TEXAS to be a judge at a chili cook-off, basically because no one else wanted to do it.  Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when you're a writer and known and adored by all.  Here are the scorecards from the event:



Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.

FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.



Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.



Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.  Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally."  Probably behind her back they call her "Forklift."



Chili # 4:  Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled  it's kind of cute.



Chili # 5:  Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.



Chili # 6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.  Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one wants to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.



Chili # 7:  Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last moment.

FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.  I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.



Chili # 8:  Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

FRANK: Is that you mama?



 

Are you kidding?  Of course we have Fend For Yourself!!!!

Always on IAAP nights, but frequently when I work late or just plain don't feel like cooking.



My son's response is always "Coo-ul" (you know the inflection, I'm sure).  This may or may not be a reflection on my cooking skills, but who cares?  

Hillbilly Luv Pome



Collards be green, my dog's name is Blue

and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.



Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.

Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.



You move like the bass, which excite me in May.

You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway.



Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan.

Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can.



You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;

I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.



On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,

well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.



Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,

what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.



Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can.



Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,

yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.



Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.

You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.



Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt .



When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete; Ain't nuttin' I lack.



Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.

despite all them years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.



And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,

I won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy



Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank,

we go together like a skunk goes with stank.



Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day;

They git it at Wal-Mart, it's romantic that way.



Some men git roses on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger. "That's impressive," I say.



Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.

"Diamonds are forever," they explain, swave and cooth.



But for this man, honey, these won't do.

Cause yore too special, you sweet thang you.



I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds......IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!



Luv from yore Romeo,

Big Bubba!

PS...Can I borrow yore new troll'n motor next weekend ...luvy duvy?



     

 

Here's another one that always cracks me up even though I'm southern to the bone - "y'uns" (you ones I guess) - as in "y'uns goin' to town?"  



In the south, you're always going to "town" - never naming the town but everybody knows which town you mean.



       

How about "get up with" meaning to get in contact with (by phone or in person).  As in "I'm gonna see if I can get up with Joe" - even though I'm "born and raised" in Georgia, I'm always tempted to say "if you go to sleep with him then you can get up with him".  

Oh yes, I'm afraid it does apply to our own spouses, and our sons - we love them but we're willing to overlook small things.  All they have to do is be nice to us, lift the heavy stuff, and cuddle with us and we forgive them pretty much anything!

Here's another list of new Barbie dolls!



Admin Barbie:

Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group.  Comes with mini laptop.  Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

 

Temp Barbie:

This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually  goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her.  Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree.  Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

 

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie:

Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife.  Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).

 

Twelve-Step Barbie:

Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie, and I'm an alcoholic."  Comes with a "One Day at a Time"  bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of smokes.

 

Birkenstock Barbie:

Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

 

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:

An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

 

Blue Collar Barbie:

Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW  membership,pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to  men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbie's who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

 

Homegirl Barbie:

Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so", "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

 

Transgender Barbie:

Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

 

Robotic Barbie:

Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

 

White Trash Barbie:

Comes complete with hair in rollers and pregnant.  Accessories include: two toddlers.  When you pull the string on her back she asks where her gov't support check is.  Some Mobile Home Barbie's come with surprise Ken or G.I. Joe since they often give her surprise visits when they come into town.

 



 

Sounds a lot like the Thanksgiving dinners in my family - thanks for the laugh!  

Apparently my son inherited the male version of the Look - hehad the "Eat s**t and die" look down pat by the timehe was a year old.  I have a photo of him at age 3 giving thelook - I call it proof he was BORN with an attitude.  

Oh yes - The Look! My grandmother had the best one I ever saw.  As kids, my 3 brothers and I got lucky though - my mom didn't inherit it.  



However, just about the time Nanny's Look was losing it's strength, my husband informed me that it seemed I was the heir apparent.    



Anyone remember the episode of Home Improvement that dealt with The Look?  Hubby loves that show and we've seen that episode several times and it still cracks us up every time.

 

Where did you get this?  I laughed and laughed - I love Dr. Seuss, so the more I read the more I laughed.  

This reminded me of a joke that kind of turns it around for the men.



Three men went to Heaven and St. Peter told them Heaven was just like Earth only better.  To determine what kind of car they'd drive in Heaven, they had to answer the question "did you ever cheat on your wife?".



The first man said "yes, seven times", so St. Peter gave him a Yugo to drive.  The second man said "yes, but only once and she forgave me", so St. Peter gave him a Chevrolet.  The third man said "no siree, not once in 40 years of marriage!", so St. Peter gave him a shiny new Mercedes.



A few days later the first and second men were riding around the golden streets of heaven and came across the third man sitting on a golden curb, crying.  They stopped and asked why he wasn't enjoying his Mercedes convertible in the beauty of Heaven.  His reply, "I just saw my wife - and she was on a skateboard!"



       

You get the fireball that comes diagonally across your screen and lands in the toilet just after the UFO beams one of the sheep up!!  I also had one of them "land" on an open window, and instead of falling off the edge, it hung there kicking it's feet before sliding down the side of the window.    

A woman was leaving a 7-11 with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black

hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.



Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash.



Behind her were 200 women walking single file.



The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a

bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.   Whose funeral is it?"



The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."



"What happened to him?"



The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."



She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"



The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."



A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two women.



"Can I borrow the dog?"



"Get in line."



       

 

This is one of the funniest things I've ever seen!  I was reading it with my hand over my mouth trying not to "cackle", I was laughing so hard.  Tears were running down my face, making it hard to keep reading.  I also wondered if my dog supplied the answers - he's an almost 10 year old Lab and I think I've seen him do all of these things at one time or another.