Old people have problems

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as
part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her
right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first
with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too,
first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

A woman in her thirties is at home happily jumping naked on  her bed and squealing with delight.   Her husband watches her for a while and asks 'Do you have any  idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?'

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says 'I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says  that not only am I healthy but I have the breasts of an 18 year old.'

The husband replies, 'What did he say about your 42 year old  arse?'

'Your name never came up' she replied.

A nurse walks into a bank. Preparing to write a cheque,
she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.
She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat
says   "Well that's great  !   ... that's really great   !!
Some arsehole has got my pen  "

*** WAYS TO TURN DOWN UNWANTED MEN!!! ***

**HE* *: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE* *: Actually I'd rather have the money.

HE* *: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE* *: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE* *:* *Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE* *: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE* *: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE* *: I must've been given your share.

HE* *: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE : Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE : Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE : And your face must turn a few stomachs.

HE **: Go on ,don't be shy. Ask me out.**
SHE** : Okay, get out.

HE : I think I could make you very happy.
SHE : Why? Are you leaving?

HE : What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE : Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

HE : Can I have your name?
SHE : Why? Don't you already have one?

HE : Shall we go see a movie?
SHE : I've already seen it.

HE : Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.

HE : Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE : Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE : Is this seat empty?
SHE : Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

HE : So, what do you do for a living?
SHE : I'm a female impersonator.

HE : Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE : Do not enter.

HE : Your body is like a temple.
SHE : Sorry, there are no services today.

HE : If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE : If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Real newspaper adverts

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES...
Mother, AKC German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat .. been out a while.
Better be a reward.

For Sale:  COWS: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 GAY bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.


JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE.
Call Stephanie.

AND THE BEST ONE:

FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

The Hypnotist at the Senior Center

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill.

People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room,  he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch.  It's been in my family for six generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,  "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Sh*t" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the senior center.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today; I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asks the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"

"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!"

"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized Mother.

"But I didn't, Mother Superior!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said..."You missed the f*cking putt, didn't you?"

A woman went into a bar in Newfoundland and saw a Mountie with his feet
>propped up on a table.
>He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
>
>She asked him if was true what they say about men with big feet.
>
>The Mountie grinned and said, "Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come
>over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?"
>
>The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with
>him. The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
>
>Blushing, he said, "Well, thanks, ma'am. I'm real flattered. Nobody ever
>paid me for my services before."
>
>"Don't be flattered...take the money and buy yourself boots that fit."

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. After ordering
their cornbread and beans, they talk about the latest addition to
their junkyard business.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins
to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in
real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says 'Kin ya swallar?' The
woman shakes her head no.

'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head
no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her
dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek
a lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the
obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again,
the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of dat dere 'Hind Lick
Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it.'

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn  that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up "Honey, I only have four hours left!  Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

If I were ol' Santa, you know what I'd do
I'd dump silly gifts that are given to you
And deliver some things just inside your front door
Things you have lost, but treasured before.

I'd give you back all your maidenly vigor,
And to go along with it, a neat tiny figure.
Then restore the old color that once graced your hair
Before rinses and bleaches took residence there.

I'd bring back the shape with which you were gifted
So things now suspended need not be uplifted.
I'd draw in your tummy and smooth down your back
Till you'd be a dream in those tight fitting slacks.

I'd remove all your wrinkles and leave only one chin
So you wouldn't spend hours rubbing grease on your skin
You'd never have flashes or queer dizzy spells
And you wouldn't hear noises like ringing of bells.

No sore aching feet and no corns on your toes
No searching for spectacles when they're right on your nose.
Not a shot would you take in your arm, hip or fanny
From a doctor who thinks you're a nervous old granny.

You'd never have a headache, so no pills would you take.
And no heating pad needed since your muscles won't ache.
Yes, if I were Santa, you'd never look stupid
You'd be a cute little chick with the romance of a cupid.

I'd give a lift to your heart when those wolves start to whistle
And the joys of your heart would be light as a thistle.
But alas! I'm not Santa.I'm simply just me
The matronest of matrons you ever did see.

I wish I could tell you all the symptoms I've got
But I'm due at my doctor's for an estrogen shot.
Even though we've grown older this wish is sincere
Merry Christmas to you and a Happy New Year.

'Twas the night before Xmas - old Santa was p*ssed
He cussed out the elves, and threw down his list
Miserable brats, ungrateful jerks
I've a good mind to scrap the whole damn works

I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
My old lady bitches cos I work late at night
The elves want more money and the reindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed up the maids
Donner is pregnant, Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things might get better
Those assholes from the tax office sent me a letter

They say I owe taxes - if that aint damned funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
and the children these days - they are all the pits
Ask the impossible, the mean little sh*ts

Spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling their dolls - arms, legs and heads
Made lots of yo yos but no one wants them
Just computers and robots - like I'm IBM

If you think all that's bad, just picture this:
Try holding those brats, their pants smell of p*ss
They pull on my nose, they grab at my beard
and if I don't smile, their mums think I'm weird

Here I'm flying along, dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job, there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment

So Christmas is OFF - now you know the reason
Found me a blonde; I'm going South for the season
I'll laze in the sun, then into bed I'll be tucked
And those snotty-nosed brats...can go and get f...ed

Customer:     "I've been ringing 0700 2300 for two days and can't get   through to    enquiries, can you help?".
Operator:     "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer:     "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator:     "Sir, they are our opening hours".
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Samsung Electronics
Caller:          "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator:     "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller:          "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly   states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC  wall socket and telephone Jack before   cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator:      "I think it means the telephone point on the wall".
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RAC Motoring Services
Caller:          "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am travelling in Australia ?"
Operator:      " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"
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Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France)
"If I register my car in France , do I have to change the steering   wheel to the other side of the car?"
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Directory Enquiries
Caller:  "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off".
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Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
Operator:        "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller:             "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".
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On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone   box told a worried operator:
"I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on".
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Tech Support:      "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer:             "OK".
Tech Support:      "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer:             "No".
Tech Support:      "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer:             "No".
Tech Support:      "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer:            "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote  'click'".
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Tech Support:          "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen,  can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer:                 "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"
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Caller:  "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised  that I need it.
If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my  file back again?".
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There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This   is  a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a  recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to   say the  Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word  Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I  know why they record these conversations!):

Operator:         "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller:              "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator:         "What sort of trouble??"
Caller:              "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator:         "Went away?"
Caller:              "They disappeared."
Operator:         "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller:              "Nothing."
Operator:         "Nothing??"
Caller:              "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator:         "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller:              "How do I tell?"
Operator:         "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller:              "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator:         "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller:              "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator:         "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller:              "What's a monitor?"
Operator:         "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller:               "I don't know."
Operator:          "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller:              "Yes, I think so."
Operator:         "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller:              "Yes, it is."
Operator:         "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back  of it, not just one??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller:               "Okay, here it is."
Operator:          "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller:               "I can't reach."
Operator:          "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller:               "No."
Operator:          "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean  way over??"
Caller:               "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle -  it's because it's dark."
Operator:          "Dark??"
Caller:               "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator:           "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller:               "I can't."
Operator:          "No? Why not??"
Caller:               "Because there's a power failure."
Operator:           "A power...................................... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
                       Do you still have  the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller:               "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator:           "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it  up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller:                "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator:           "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller:                "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator:           "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"  

UNITED CUSTOMER SERVICE
   
    This happened at the Denver Airport, which is hilarious. I wish I
   had the guts of this girl. For all of you who've had to deal with
   an irate customer, this one is for you. An award should go to
   the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and
    funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger
   who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
   
   A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent
   was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly
   an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
   ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and
   it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I am sorry, sir.
  I'll be happy to try to help you, but, I've got to help these folks
   first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
   
    The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the
   passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
    WHO I AM?"  Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed
   her public address microphone, "May I have your attention
   please, "she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the
   terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES
   NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.  If anyone can help him find his
   identity, please come to Gate 14."
   
   With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
    the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and
   said "F*** You!".
   
    Without flinching, she smiled and said, I'm sorry sir, you'll
   have to get in line for that too!"