In reply to:
To All Company Employees:
Every year we seem to have this Xmas action taking place earlier and earlier. We have become concerned with the 'frivolous' nature of much of our 'Divisional' activity as we approach the end of the year and the tendency to 'over-indulge' in needlessly expensive celebrations. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" subsidiary.
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. Despite the English vote to "Stuff them and serve them with chips".
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is under way to determine who the birds were calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appear to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking have been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending , a-mulching or a-mentoring.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work firemen. While leaping ability may be sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an over supply of
unemployed firemen in the very near future.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. The substitution of a string quartet, a cutback on new music and uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line. We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Regarding the lawsuit filed by the Attorneys' Association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ("thirteen lawyers-a-suing") action is pending. Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts maybe necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should this happen the board will request management scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
The Board Of Directors wishes all a very MERRY CHRISTMAS and a HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Skin, Flint, Titewad & Co.
semaxwell1
