Quickies

[beaintheuk]

Here are some quick jokes sent to me this morning - and don't ask me, I didn't understand all of them!!:


I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought "he's  trying to pull fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said
"Eurostar?" I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the
splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take
that as a condiment".

Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags.  He's bisatchel.

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything:
trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts".  He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I
go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I
rang her up, said "Do you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a
complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up
to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".  I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".

Now did you know if a stick insect laid its eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come into your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. The check out girl said "Are you two an item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of
terrapins, I  thought "That's a turtle disaster".

[countrigal]

 those were cute.  I liked 'em, especially the snow drift and aromatic duck.

CountriGal
Deskdemon Editorial Board Member