Week of August 23rd-When someone yells...

[andream]

It happens in the best of offices.  Tempers flare, the pressure of increasing deadlines, the downsizing that means everyone works harder and there are less of you.  Sometimes, people yell.  At you, at a coworker.  Do you have a standard response when this happens? Mine used to be "We'll continue this conversation when you have regained your composure.".

what's your fav method of handling the yelling employer or coworker? Do you yell back? Lift a brow and try to make him/her feel like an idiot? (I was really good at that one ) Or if you never EVER get yelled at the rest of us would like to know that too?

So.. what's your secret ?

Do tell.

Andrea

[gee4]

It hasn't happened (that I can remember).  I seem to work with people who either seethe within or who don't show their feelings.  I would say nowadays you learn how to be assertive and get your point across without yelling or raising your voice, as it tends to get you nowhere.

G

[mina]

I have to say that I have never experienced shouting from colleagues and especially not in my present office.  Here (apart from my phone) it is often so quiet you could hear the proverbial pin drop!  I would say that my office is also an office where people seethe.  

In past jobs I have been shouted at by customers.  I found that keeping my voice low and calm helped - it meant that they had to lean in towards me to hear and with a calm voice I found that this usually quieted them down.  If it didn't, I called security and had them escorted out!  

I have been shouted and sworn at over the phone.  I gave them one warning and then put the phone down.  I only had to do it 7 times for one customer to get the message!

mina

[jak0215]

A VP at an Engineering firm I worked for always yelled.  Never for a good reason (as if there is in a professional setting) , always just because that was how he how communicated.  I used to let him get his rant out while I calmly sat there waiting for it to be over and then say with a smile "Are you done now?  Would you like me to help you fix the XYZ problem?"  That would knock the wind out of his sails.  I saw him about six months after he "left" the company and remarked at how calm and relaxed he looked.  His response was "when am I not calm and relaxed?"  "Um, How about when you were yelling at me?"  His response was "Jill (by God he got my name right!") you know that I love you, the yelling didn't mean anything"  Yeah, right!  It didn't matter who you were in the office and sometimes even if you were a client - if he felt like yelling, he was going to yell.  It was the running joke around the office.  That and that he never called me by the correct name (Jill) he always called me Julie.

[mlm668]

Fortunately, even though this is a construction company, any yelling that is done is done away from the office.  

This post does remind me of something that happened a couple of years ago.  Bossie #2 had an issue with the way I handled something.  He was very upset with me about it but also knew how much stress I was under that week between classes, work and children's dance recital.  In order to avoid a shouting match with me (which he knew would likely happen if he handled things wrong) he waited until he calmed down before he brought it up to me.  I really appreciated that.  I still got upset being called on the carpet because I didn't feel I was as wrong as he said, but because of the way he handled it, we were able to deal with it calmly and move on.


Michelle

[countrigal]

The only time I recall having someone yell at me (or anyone in the office) was about 3 years ago at my previous job.  One of my co-workers proceeded to yell at me.  I stated that we would continue this when she calmed down, and then turned away from her to resume working.  She yelled at me about turning away and I turned and told her that I would gladly talk to her when she was able to talk to me properly and not until then, and again turned my back on her.  She fumed but left my area.  I think what got her most was that she had done this in front of another co-worker and came out looking worse.  She never did that again, but then I didn't stay around long after that.  Luckily my move was already in process when this occurred.  She and I had a stormy working relationship at the best of times, so  I know that if I had stayed it would have only gotten worse and I'm sure that I would have eventually ended up raising my voice back at her if she did this at the wrong time.  To date, though, I have never had to raise my voice at the office. (knock on wood!)

CountriGal
Peer Moderator

[spitfire78]

Oh, I've been yelled at before - the bully-type of yelling - looming over me as I sit in my chair, red faced, voice raised, cursing (f*** this and f*** that) and then the screamer storms out without giving me a chance to respond.  I responded completely differently from what I would do now.  What I did was sit there desperately trying to get my two cents in and then felt frustrated and angry when he stormed out and I hadn't had chance to respond.  What I would do now (and since he's still my boss, I'm just waiting for it to happen again!) is get up (even if I had to run over his feet to do it!) and walk away.  If I had the opportunity, I would say that I do not need to take his abuse and we can discuss it later when he's calmed down.  More likely, though, is that I would not have that opportunity, so I would just walk away (to the ladies room, out of the building, to my supervisor, wherever - just to get away from him).  Since the last episode a few years ago, I've come to realize that it truly is abuse, and that I DO NOT have to put up with it.

[peana]

Confession time - I've never been shouted at in the office, but I once lost my temper completely, yelling & swearing down the whole length of a large office!  I was pretty ashamed of my behaviour, however my boss thought I was justified in my actions (the person I yelled at got everyone's goat) - he actually found it amusing (not sure about his management style!).  I was on a different site to my usual office when it happend, and when I got back the following week everyone had heard about the escapade.  I was sure I'd face a lot of stick, but everyone thought it was great and was surprised no one had blown up with this individual sooner!  It actually raised my profile and people started treating me with much more respect!

I'm not proud of my behaviour, but it felt great at the time.  I'm still pretty surprised at the positive response I got from everyone - I was sure I'd face a disciplinary.  Luckily, as I was normally based in a different office, my path never crossed that of the recipent of my wrath again.  It certainly would have been awkward to have had to work with her day in day out.  It's definitely not something I ever hope to repeat (my stress levels are far better these days).

[supergirl]

I was yelled at by a parent (they are my customers!) at the school last year, on the phone.  I won't go into detail, since I described the event thoroughly here at the time.  But in short, I did put up with his craziness, because it stemmed from concern about his child's safety.  (Well, actually I am giving him the benefit of the doubt--I suspect he was just plain abusive.)  If it had been about any other topic, I would have suggested he call back when calm, and hung up.  

SG

[msmarieh]

I have never been yelled at, nor can I imagine it ever happening. Every boss I have ever had realizes immediately that you will treat me with respect and courtesy... period...

I have conveyed that message quite clearly (verbally when necessary, but it usually isn't) and thus have never had a problem.

I have seen others yelling (at other co-workers) and have usually interceded when I have seen it. My standard comment is that your voices are far louder than necessary for this conversation. Do we have a problem here? (done in the Royal We/Queen tone) Surprisingly enough that often shuts them up and even apologize.

Marie.

[sobriquetnic]

Hi all

A few years back, a co-worker launched a tirade of abuse directed at me because I suggested to another colleague that he might be able to move some boxes for her.  I got the works, swearing, shouting etc etc.  I was so shocked that I actually just cried!  

This particular co-worker got the cold shoulder from everyone else for the rest of the day and another colleague of mine got very annoyed about it and reported him to every superior she could think of!  Needless to say he apologised later and of course it transpired that he was just having a really bad day and being asked to move some boxes was the last straw (I'm sure men get PMT too!).

In my 12 years with this company, that has been the only occasion when I have been shouted at.  I have been spoken to very reasonably when there has been a problem of my making and I appreciate that.  That seems to be the way things work around here in general.

All the best,
Nicola.

[bethalize]

Raising voices is one thing. I don't tend to run away from that. I repeat: "Please stop shouting" until they stop. Then I ask them to start again from where they started shouting. I work with someone who does this a lot over the phone. He also talks to me like a two year old sometimes but I try and remember that he doesn't mean it.

I won't take verbal abuse, but then I don't think I've had any in years.  There is no excuse for telling someone they are stupid or belittling them or bullying.

Bethalize
Peer Moderator

[gingertea]

Well, I must have worked in either the wrong places or with the wrong people because I’ve heard lots of yelling throughout my working years.  Looking back, most of it was while I worked in the Sales department; perhaps salesmen are more volatile than other people???  I remember taking a call from the big boss; he went off on a tirade about something and I stopped him by saying very firmly, “Mr. X, you DO NOT yell at me!”  He stopped, there was a slight silence, then he apologized.  I don’t think anyone had every confronted him before.

My direct boss yelled frequently and I heard all of it since my desk was right outside his office.  I coped with it pretty well but one day he was angry about all of the problems with the new telephone system and he acted like I was personally responsible.  I had reached my limit so I marched into his office and said, “I am taking the rest of the day off.”  He asked what was wrong, I repeated – more firmly  - “I am taking the rest of the day off.”  He asked if I wanted to talk about it, I repeated again – through clenched teeth – “I am taking the rest of the day off.”  He said, “Maybe we can talk about it tomorrow.”  I replied, “Maybe.”  I went out and had a facial – felt great!

That particular guy had such a reputation that even his VP from headquarters mentioned it to me.  The VP asked me to get something from this guy then he said, “Be careful when you ask him about this issue, you may not know it, but Bob has quite a temper.”  I just laughed and said, “Whatever you have heard I have heard first, louder, and longer!”  

In the morning I could tell his mood by the way he walked down the hallway.  He would be scowling, muttering, and stomping his feet, but not looking anyone in the eye.  On those really bad days I would look at him and say, “Good morning to you, too” in the royal tone.  He’d catch my sarcasm and say, “I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”  Sometimes that would bring him out of it.

I put up with him for 5 years, but the other people in the office also had to suffer through his eruptions and they were quite sympathetic to my dilemma.  Many of them would frequently go out of their way to comfort me when they could see that it was getting to me.

Bob was eventually fired for submitting questionable expense reports – God is good!

[officewiz]

In the case when a senior vice president yelled at me (I worked for the president), I retained my self-composure.  Within a couple of days, when the hub bub of activity had blown over, I asked to speak with her privately.  After closing the door, I asked her if she would extend me the courtesy of speaking to me in a normal voice.  That was it; she never shouted at me again.

On another occasion, my boss (the president) shouted at me.  I was shocked and was quiet.  Within the next couple of days, I sat down and talked with him.  I let him know that I had great respect for him.  I cannot recall the exact wording, but I let him know that his shouting would have the effect of diminishing that respect.  He never repeated that mistake.  

I pulled a coworker aside and let her know that I'd prefer to be spoken to in a civil tone.  We had no problems afterwards.

OfficeWiz

~in pursuit of excellence~

[mlm668]

Goodness, it sounds like many of you have worked for some real brats over the years.  I had to laugh at the one poster who said she could tell her boss's by the way he was in the morning because that is exactly how the guys I work with gauge mine.  I don't get ugly, I'm just moody and can be very unapproachable when I'm in a bad mood.  I've never shouted, but I have glared.  Its been much better the past year since I went on medication for my depression.  Bossie #2 has told me several times that I'm a completely different person and much easier to work with.  He even seems to be relying on me more to keep him informed of what goes on when he's not around - kind of a PA role without all the schedule keeping and other basic duties that go with it.

I did want to share too how I handled the entire issue of bosses taking out their issues on me.  When I was in my early 20's I worked for a lawyer who would tell clients and friends he was doing favors for a set timeframe and not share that with me.  In addition, he had the messiest office of anyone I've ever worked for or with - files and messages everywhere and rarely was I given files back when I needed them, I had to go hunting for them in his office.  He would come in from court nearly every morning and light into me about something not being done and being embarrassed with his friends because he had made them a promise.  I was so happy when I got away from him.  The next lawyer I worked with was a really sweet older gentlemen ready for retirement.  He was so appreciative of what I did for him and so was his wife as he was later diagnosed with Alzheimer's and was in the very early stages of it when I worked for him.  My memory for details helped him quite a bit when he would get confused with something.

After he retired I interviewed with another younger lawyer.  I'd made up my mind by then that I would not ever again tolerate someone I worked for taking their aggravations out on my for any reason.  And I somehow had the nerve to tell this guy that.  If I was wrong, then yes, he had a right to reprimand me, but not yell.  And under no circumstances was I going to put up with him yelling at me just because.  I also was not going to put up with clients yelling at me because their case wasn't going like they wanted.  He would call in or come into our suite ranting and raving and then stop and apologize and tell me he knew it wasn't my fault.  We ended up having a great working relationship until he left the firm.

That was 13 years ago and since then I've apparently been able to present the demeanor that I expect respect and in turn will give it because I've never had to deal with that issue again.  And if someone does come to me and is overly blustery or talking down to me, I stop them and tell them that when they can speak to me in a calmer, more respectful tone, we will discuss the issue.  I've found over the years that that is usually the best way to calm them down.  And being one of four females working in a construction company of 125 employees, I wouldn't have lasted a day or gained the respect I have from the guys if I ever let one walk all over me.

Michelle