Preparing For The Class Reunion

[northcarolina]

I had prepared for it like any "intelligent" woman would. I went on a starvation diet the day before, knowing that all the extra weight would just melt off in 24-hours, leaving me with my sleek, trim, high-school-girl body. The last many years of careful cellulite collection would just be gone with a snap of a finger. I knew if I didn't eat a morsel on Friday, that I could probably fit into my senior formal on Saturday.



Trotting up to the attic, I pulled the gown out of the garment bag, carried it lovingly downstairs, ran my hand over the fabric, and hung it on the door, stripped naked, looked in the mirror, sighed, and thought, "Well, okay, maybe if I shift it all to the back ..." Bodies never have pockets where you need them. Bravely, I took the gown off the hanger, unzipped the shimmering dress and stepped gingerly into it. I struggled, twisted, turned, and pulled . . . and I got the formal all the way up to my knees before the zipper gave out. I was disappointed. I wanted to wear that dress with those silver platform sandals again and dance the night away.



Okay, one setback was not going to spoil my mood for this affair. No way! Rolling the dress into a ball and tossing it into the corner, I turned to Plan B. The black velvet caftan. I gathered up all the goodies that I had purchased at the drug store; the scented shower gel; the body building and highlighting shampoo & conditioner, and the split-end killer and shine enhancer. Soon my hair would look like that girl's in the Pantene ads. Then the makeup - the under eye "ain't no lines here" firming cream; the all day face-lifting gravity fighting moisturizer with wrinkle-filler spackle; the all day "kiss me till my lips bleed, and see if this gloss will come off" lipstick; the bronzing face powder for that special glow. I could feel the wrinkles shuddering in fear.



OK - time to get ready...I jumped into the steaming shower, soaped, lathered, rinsed, shaved, tweezed, buffed, scrubbed, and scoured my body to a tingling pink. I plastered my freshly scrubbed face with the anti-wrinkle-gravity-fighting, "your face will look like a baby's butt" face cream. I set my hair on the hot rollers. I felt wonderful. Ready world. Or in this instance, my underwear.



With the towel firmly wrapped around my glistening body, I pulled out the black, lacy, tummy-tucking, cellulite-pushing, hamhock-rounding girdle, and the matching "lifting those bosoms like they're filled with helium" bra. I greased my body with the scented body lotion and begin the plunge. I pulled, stretched, tugged, hiked, folded, tucked, twisted, shimmied, hopped, pushed, wiggled, snapped, shook, caterpillar crawled, and kicked. Sweat poured off my forehead, but I was done. And it didn't look bad. So I rested.



A well deserved rest, too. The girdle was on my body. Bounce a quarter off my behind? It was tighter than a trampoline. Can you say, "Rubber baby buggy bumper butt?" Okay, so I had to take baby steps, and walk sideways, and I couldn't move from my butt cheeks to my knees.   But I was firm! Oh no ... I had to go to the bathroom. And there wasn't a snap crotch. From now on undies gotta have a snap crotch. I was ready to rip it open and re-stitch the crotch with Velcro. But the pain factor from past experiments was still fresh in my mind. I quickly side stepped to the bathroom. An hour later, I had answered nature's call and repeated the struggle into the girdle. I was ready for the bra.



I remembered what the saleslady said to do. I could see her glossed lips mouthing, "Do not fasten the bra in the front, and twist it around-put the bra on the way it should be worn-straps over the shoulders, bend over and gently place both breasts inside the cups." Easy if you have four hands. But, with confidence, I put my arms into the holsters, bent over and pulled the bra down ... but the boobs weren't cooperating. I'd no sooner tuck one in a cup, and while placing the other, the first would slip out. I needed a strategy. I bounced up, and down a few times, tried to dribble them in with short bunny hops, but that didn't work. So while bent over, I began rocking gently back and forth on my heel and and I set 'em to swinging.' Finally, on the fourth swing, pause, and lift! I captured the gliding glands. Quickly fastening the back of the bra I stood up for examination.



Back straight, slightly arched, I turned and faced the mirror, turning front, and then sideways. I smiled. Yes, Houston, we have lift up!



My breasts were high, firm and there was cleavage! I was happy until I tried to look down. I had a chinrest. And I couldn't see my feet. I still had to put on my pantyhose, and shoes. Why did I buy heels with buckles?



And then I had to pee again. Think I'll go fix myself a drink and skip the %#$@! reunion!



 

[tlc2559]

         



North Carolina....ROFLMAO!!!



Hysterical!  Can't wait for my 25th reunion!!!    



tlc

[daisylee]

Oh goodness....



I didn't get to go to my 25th this past summer...but now I remember why!  I've gained a whole five year old child (in lbs that is!) that wasn't there in '75!  And I KNOW a gridle would have made me slimmer, but I never would have been able to take a sip of water, let alone eat!



Oh well, just more of me to love now!



Daisylee  

[Katie G]

TWENTY-fifth?  Geez, I went through something like that just for my fifth!  And after all that I only stayed 1/2 hour and haven't been back since!  

[Katie G]

On our honeymoon, my husband had the shock of his life when he came out of the bathroom to find me wrestling with a pair of control-top pantyhose.    



We were getting ready to go to a very nice restaurant for dinner.  The dress I had brought required a little "extra discipline" in the tummy-hips-butt region.  So there I am, hopping around, yanking, tugging, pulling, and cursing a blue streak when I finally tripped over my spandex-bound feet and fell on the floor.  



This was just too much for the dear boy and he spent the next five minutes laughing hysterically.  He later described it as being "positively cartoonish."  When he recovered, he asked me if I have to deal with this every time I got dressed up.  I answered, "Yeah, well, pretty much."



To his credit, he helped me up off the floor and offered to go someplace more casual "so you don't have to deal with those damn things!"  



He also said he'd never complain about wearing a tie again!  

[yankeestarbuck]

OMG, I'm crying all my eyeliner off!!  



I must admit, I'm not old enough to have a 25th reunion. My tenth, I guess, didn't happen (since my mother's phone number hasn't changed since I was IN high school and I can be reached through her for it).  But I'm thinner now than when I was IN high school (you know, like Monica Gellar on Friends) and if I went there, now about 50 lbs. lighter, I think I would make half of the class faint!



Hope 30 years is better!

 

[winkiebear]

Yankee- what's your secret to the 50 lb success???



My 10 year would be next summer, and I'm still debating on whether or not to attend.  I went to a catholic high school, and my graduating class was somewhere around 100 people, and most of us went to elementary school together, so if you got branded with a nickname or something in grade school, it followed you until you got rid of these people at graduation.  Oh, you wouldn't believe the torture they came up with for me.



Did anyone else out there get picked on in school and as a result not go to their reunion?  Or if you did go, what happened?



 winkie

[Katie G]

Oh, Winkie,



I was (and in some ways still am) a first-rate, class A-1 GEEK!



I've always said that I LOVED learning, but HATED school!  It was painful, emotionally and, on a few occaisions, physically.  There's a reason I only stayed 1/2 hr at my 5-year and haven't gone back.  It was unbelievable the way the attitudes hadn't changed.  Apparently, once a geek, always a geek.  The same cliques, cattiness, and competition were still going on.  Good Lord, hadn't these people grown up at all?  



Maybe now that my 15th is coming up things might be different, but, to be honest, I couldn't think of anyone I'd be interested in seeing again.  (My two best friends went to other schools.)  Besides, my life has moved on from that point.



Didface (that was then, this is now) in Philly.

[donnap99]

                           



Oh my...  gotta catch my breath!  This is SOOO timely!  My husband's 20 year reunion is 2 weeks from tomorrow - and yes, I need to worry about what I look like, 'cause I graduated in '81 from the same high school!  I was a cheerleader (now, don't gang up on me - I was the black sheep of the bunch - none of them liked me - they didn't think I was good enough - socio-economically, anyway), and now I'm... oh... at least 50 pounds heavier than when I graduated.  ICK!



I needed this laugh today, too!  THANKS!

 

[workerbee]

These posts were absolutely hilarious!



My dear, late friend Darlene's second husband was blind.  She often said how glad she was that he couldn't see her trying to put on pantyhose!





Elaine

[fullmoongoddess]

HAHAHAHAHAH heeeheeheehheeehee HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I'm in tears and spitting all over the monitor!!!  Had to print this out and share it with others!!!



My 20 years is this year but my high school didn't do anything.  I understand that they haven't met since the 5 year reunion, though that doesn't bother me at all.  I had friends in all '3' tiers of the social ladder and I guess you could consider me in the middle, but I was teased by a certain group in the 'upper-echolon ranks'.  Yes, indeedy, I don't miss THEM, not one little bit.



There are a few that I lost touch with because we moved right after high school, so if Paulette is out there from St. Stephens High, email me, PLEASE:  dawnj@swva.net

She was my best friend through most of school.  



Love you guys!!!



Dawn

[winkiebear]

check out

www.highschoolalumni.com

or

www.classmates.com



classmates requires a $30 fee per year, but the other one is free and you can get email addresses off it.



waiting for snow in IL, I am,

  winkie

[countrigal]

OMG!!!  LMAO and then some (but what a way to lose that extra weight!  



This was way too cute and very visual.  I could see myself doing all of it.  Last year was to be my 10 year reunion and boy was I looking forward to it but alas, no invitation.  Guess they didn't do anything.  Not that I'm all that ready to go weight wise, but I think I really did something with my life that will shock those that thought they were better than me.  Besides, I just keep wondering how many of them have had lipo or other surgeries, or did they just gain weight and look "pleasantly plump" now too.

[jadegrniiz]

Oh, gosh... I'm dyin here guys!!      



My ten year is in 2001, (didn't realize how many of us were early 90s graduates here!)and somehow I managed to be the head of the committee. We all got in contact thru Classmates.com, and created a group bulletin board/email loop. The cliques appear to be gone, although in a few girls the cattyness comes right out same as always. But in general, we've all grown up.



What impressed the socks off my feet was that I had MAYBE 3 friends at my high school. Most of my buds went to other schools. My parents divorced when I was in 4th or 5th grade, and I had to change schools. By the time my elementary friends caught up to me in middle school, I didn't(or my parents) meet the financial standards of the group and I became an outcast. So, 9 years later, I'm the head of the reunion committee and all the popular people are emailing and calling me for info about the reunion. Talk about ego-stroking!



As far as weight goes, I had troubles with Anorexia in school, so I'll NEVER be the weight I was when I graduated (5' 7 tall, 100lbs) and frankly, I'm proud of it. Of course, I'm NOT proud of my weight, and need to lose 50 lbs.. but the fact I'm healthy (and alive) is good enough for my reunion!