A Barbie I Can Relate To

[workerbee]

This was sent to me by a friend, and it's too funny to keep to myself.



Enjoy!



Elaine

***



Finally a Barbie I can relate to!  At long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.



These are a bit more realistic...



1.  Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.



2.  Hot Flash Barbie.  Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead.  Comes with hand-held fan and tiny tissues.



3.  Facial Hair Barbie.  As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow.  Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.



4.  Flabby Arms Barbie.  Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns.  Good news on the tummy front, too -- muumuus with tummy-support panels are included.



5.  Bunion Barbie.  Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet.  Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.



6.  No-More-Wrinkles Barbie.  Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.



7.  Soccer Mom Barbie.  All that experience as a cheer-leader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr.  Comes with minivan in robin-egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.



8.  Mid-life Crisis Barbie.  It's time to ditch Ken.  Barbie needs a change, and Alonzo (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac.  They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B.  Includes a real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."



9.  Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99.  Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and Ken's boat.



10.  Recovery Barbie.  Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl.  Now she does Twelve Steps instead of dance steps.  Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously.  Comes with a little copy of The Big Book and a six-pack of Diet Coke.



11.  Post-Menopausal Barbie.  This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot.  She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels.  Comes with Depends and Kleenex.  As a bonus this year, the book "Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self" is included.

###



 

[djpcps]

Here's another list of new Barbie dolls!



Admin Barbie:

Works twenty hour days for little pay (80% of Admin Ken's salary), and is the lowest on the totem pole despite being the one that actually runs the group.  Comes with mini laptop.  Pull the string on her back and she'll schedule a meeting with your other dolls, replace the toner cartridge in the laser printer, coordinate a re-org and a move, and order airline tickets for Admin Ken.

 

Temp Barbie:

This smartly dressed, intelligent, hard-working and enthusiastic Barbie is ready to go right out of the box, but usually  goes untouched for at least a day while everyone tries to figure out why they bought her.  Pull the string on her back and she'll stuff envelopes indefinitely, all the while wondering why she got a liberal arts degree.  Comes with mini resume and mini filing cabinet filled with the past five years worth of US Tax Code revisions which need to be collated.

 

Ripped-Off-In-The-Divorce-Settlement Barbie:

Pull the string on her back and she unloads a torrent of insults and death threats for her ex's new wife.  Comes with a hatred for all men, and a Malibu Barbie tan (except for a white band on the ring finger of her left hand).

 

Twelve-Step Barbie:

Pull the string on her back and she says, "Hi, I'm Barbie, and I'm an alcoholic."  Comes with a "One Day at a Time"  bumper sticker, a 30-day chip and a pack of smokes.

 

Birkenstock Barbie:

Finally, a Barbie doll with horizontal feet and comfortable sandals. Made from recycled materials.

 

Bite-The-Bullet Barbie:

An anthropologist Barbie with pith helmet, camera, detachable limbs, fake blood and the ability to perform surgery on herself in the Outback.

 

Blue Collar Barbie:

Comes with overalls, protective goggles, lunch pail, UAW  membership,pamphlet on union-organizing and pay scales for women as compared to  men. Waitressing outfits and cashier's aprons may be purchased separately for Barbie's who are holding down second jobs in order to make ends meet.

 

Homegirl Barbie:

Truly a fly Barbie in midriff-bearing shirt and baggy jeans. Comes with gold jewelry, hip-hop accessories and plenty of attitude. Pull cord and she says things like "I don't think so", "Dang, get outta my face," and "You go, girl." Teaches girls not to take crap from men.

 

Transgender Barbie:

Formerly known as G.I. Joe.

 

Robotic Barbie:

Hey, kids, experiment with an autonomous two-legged walking machine! After falling over she says "Control theory is hard. Damn these spike heels anyway!"

 

White Trash Barbie:

Comes complete with hair in rollers and pregnant.  Accessories include: two toddlers.  When you pull the string on her back she asks where her gov't support check is.  Some Mobile Home Barbie's come with surprise Ken or G.I. Joe since they often give her surprise visits when they come into town.

 



 

[bethalize]

Ouch! DJCPS, that was satire worthy of Jonathon Swift himself (you laugh, then you look at why you laughed).



Cutting, very cutting.