Birthday party non-invite

[laundryhater]

Two friends (also co-workers) let it slip (I think they thought I was invited too) that they were invited to "Jane's" (another friend & co-worker of ours) 50th birthday party on Saturday.

But I was not invited.



This really hurts my feelings because I thought "Jane" and I were pretty close. We don't hang out regularly outside of work but we do get along well and confide in each other often and help each other often.



It also hurts my feelings because I am the one who is putting together her office party for Tuesday because no one else took the initiative. Her best friend came to me and asked who was planning her party. I said no one as far as I knew. So I asked around and no one was, so I figured they were waiting for me to do it since I'm the Receptionist and everyone just assumes that it's my duty to be the planner for every party. In this case, I didn't mind planning the party because I like "Jane".



Should I confront "Jane" about not being invited to her party on Saturday or should I just not say anything and hope she feels guilty after she finds out who coordinated her office party?

[radaro]

It is quite possible that "Jane" did not set the invitation list for her Saturday night party and that the co-ordinator for that party did not about "Jane's" relationship with you.  



I would be careful about confronting "Jane" because:

a) maybe it is a surprise party that Jane doesn't even know about

b) if Jane didn't set the guest list she may be upset about your name being left off



Can you find out a bit more about the party before you speak to Jane?  Also, this may explain why no one in the office took the initiative in organizing an office party.

[winkiebear]

Having been in a similar situation, I can only tell you what happened in my experience.



One of my coworkers has an annual holiday party.  Last year, I thought because we worked closer together than we had in the past, that I would be invited.  Much to my chagrin, I was not.  I chose not to say anything to him, because after all, it is his party, his home ...



And I had to hear from the *A-List* of people alllll about the party, and a couple of them even asked me why I didn't attend!



Well, in the beginning of Spring, a bunch of us were chatting one day, and the coworker who throws the party told me that "Now that I know you, you'll be invited to the holiday party."



Apparently, I had put more stock in the friendship than was actually there ... and boy was I surprised.  



Anyway, I'm suggesting not saying anything to her.  You never know what happens in someone else's mind.



  winkie

[laundryhater]

I found out more about the invitations from my friend "Lauren". I asked her how she received her invitation (by home address mail or by officeemail distribution list, or what).



"Lauren" said "Jane" handed her the invitation at her last week.

Lauren sympathized with me and asked if I wanted her to say something to Jane. I told her that I would just drop the subject and to please don't say anything to anyone about this. The last thing I want is a "pity" invitation just because my feelings were hurt and that I want Jane to enjoy her day.



However, a small part of me still hopes that Jane feels guilty for not inviting me when on Tuesday she finds out who put in a lot of work organizing her office party to make it special.

[energizer]

I think a clue here might be your sentence "We don't hang out regularly outside of work."  Perhaps the two who let it slip about the party DO get together with Jane outside of work.  



When I turned 40, I threw a party for myself the Sunday before my birthday (it fell on a weekday that year) and invited several people from the office in addition to people I socialized with from my church, professional association, etc.  There were only 6 people in my office out of about 35 that I regularly socialized with outside of work, and those were the 6 that I invited.  One reason was cost -- since I was hosting my own party I knew what my budget would be, and I simply could not afford to invite all 35 coworkers in addition to my other friends.  I had to draw the line somewhere, so I chose to invite those that either had invited me to social gatherings at their homes or that I had socialized with after work for a "girls night out."



When the office staff had a party for me on my birthday that week, no one was offended at not being invited to my private party.  In fact, they didn't expect to be because although we worked closely together and I had developed a good rapport with them, we just didn't socialize outside the office.



I hope this puts a more positive spin on this situation for you.  And I encourage you to remain on a friendly basis with Jane at the office.  You do still have to work together.



Energizer

[whitesatin]

Laundryhater,



I have to agree with Energizer.  There are times when we just can't invite everyone.     I know you are hurt, and for that I am very sorry.     Try not to take it personally.  You said you have a good working relationship with "Jane."  Just be grateful for that and try not to harbor any ill will.  It will only eat you up inside.  I hope you have a HAPPY FRIDAY!          



WhiteSatin    

[workerbee]

I know that your feelings were hurt by not being invited to Jane's party, but you need to deal with the fact that there are "friends" and there are "work friends".  They are not one and the same.  It's good to be on friendly terms with everyone at work, but don't confuse this with a genuine, close friendship.



I suggest that you not confront Jane; just let it all go.  She will appreciate your efforts in arranging an office birthday celebration, and you can continue your amiable office relationship with her.  



Although (this just occurred to me), if you want to socialize with her outside of work, you should.  Sometimes work friendships do develop into "real" friendships.



Elaine