Dr. Appointments-privacy

[dwreath]

Just looking for some advice here.   It sounds like quite a few women here have recently had babies and I say congratulations to all.  My hubby and I have been trying to conceive for about 4 years.  I've always managed to schedule doctors appointments for lunch hours or late in the day.  Because of the frequency of the appointments, I just explained to the boss (who is a 61 year old Male and owns the company) that it was female problems...and at that time that was all he wanted to know.  We have reached the point with the specialist now, that we are using injections.   With the injections they have to monitor me almost everyday...and in the morning.  My boss is starting to show his disapproval now when I mention I have a doctors appointment.   My question is, How much do I tell him?  Before you all hit reply, there is a slight complication to this all, which is why I havn't told him yet that my husband and I are trying to start a family.  He does not like kids and does not have any of his own.  He did let one girl go after she announced she was pregnant.  He had his reasons, but I can't help thinking that the pregnancy had something to do with it.  He is grooming me to take over more of his job when he retires (i.e. management) and we recently hired a new employee who had to call in sick for two days because of a sick child and he advised me that this is why you shouldn't hire someone with small children.  We have 15 employees here.  Fourteen of them are women, with only one of those 14 having a child younger than 17.  The one male employee here, has one child also.  

Anyone that can spare some advice would be greatly appreciated.  

[countrigal]

My initial reaction was what era is he living in... haven't we moved past that attitude... but that doesn't help you any.

How long do you have to have this monitoring done?  Is it for a set number of months or indefinite?  And when does he retire?  What I'm thinking is that you tell him that you are having tests done for female problems, and that they medically have to be done of a morning.  I wouldn't tell him why because you could be shooting you career in the foot (possibly for nothing, but hopefully not).  Since you don't know for sure that you'll get pregnant, much less when, I wouldn't want to hurt a promising career.  On the other hand, if he's going to be around for a while and you think that getting pregnant could end your career you might want to start looking around for a different job.  I'm still in shock and outraged though that someone would be put through this worry in this day and age, when you're evidently a proven employee (since he's grooming you for some of his duties).

I'm sure some of our posters who are mothers or mother's-to-be will have more insightful recommendations, but as someone who would love the opportunity that you're having (the shots) I'd say just let bossie know that medically you are required to be monitored in the morning, that it's female problems that you expect to end in (insert the time frame of the process), and then say something to make him feel better ( like he needs it! ) like you'll be sure that it the interferrence with your work is as minimal as possible.

And good luck with the process!  Wishing you great results and many happy babies!!

CountriGal
Deskdemon Editorial Board Member

[dwreath]

thanks for your words.  Glad to know I'm not the only one thinking he needs to get into this century.  

Here's some answers to your questions.  I had my first set of tests (ultrasound and blood tests) for the injections this morning...and based on what they find, they tell me when to come in again.  It will be about every-other day for a week and a half.  For example, I went in today (friday) and they told me to come back on Monday.  Then it will probably go to every other day and then eventually to every day for the last two or three days of monitoring.   If I don't get pregnant, then we wait for me to get my period and try again with the injections and again go in about every-other morning for about a week in a half.

As for when he's retireing, nobody knows.  He's just been dropping hints that I will be doing more of his job in the future.  I'm already the office manager, accounting department, and computer department.  Over the last 2 months he's pretty much turned over HR totally to me now to include hiring and firing.  As for when he retires...not sure.  He's a workaholic.  He was even in the office on Thanksgiving.

[jadegrniiz]

I'm one of those new mommies you mentioned....  my lil girl is now 6 weeks old.

My thoughts? Well, first I had a minor flashback to a position I held when my first child was a toddler..... and it made me shudder in fear and say a quick prayer of thanks for not being there anymore.

Anyway... back to your situation. Frankly, I think that if you already know this boss hates kids and puts out a personal vendetta to fire women with small children.... this is NOT THE COMPANY YOU WANT TO BE WORKING FOR WHILE GOING THROUGH PREGNANCY, AND YOUR BABY'S INFANTCY. You aren't even pregnant yet... and the boss is already on you hide about doc appts....   how's it gonna be when you ARE pregnant and have to go just as often? How about this newborn that kept you up all night, so you call in *late*, only to find out later in the morning that the baby is actually sick... and you have to call in for the whole day instead? Honey, it won't be pretty and it will put you in A LOT of stress (not good during pregnancy!!)

I can't say it loud enough.... if you are seriously TTC, then seriously re-evaluate this job. Do it now, BEFORE the pregnancy.... so you can get on the insurance with the new job and etc. This boss isn't a good mix for a new mom, I guarantee it.

If you decde to stay......   (and start this NOW, not later).... DOCUMENT DOCUMENT DOCUMENT. At least this way, if bossie attempts to oust you like he did the other girl, you have proof and can take recourse with the EEOC. And I know it's jumping the gun, but if you ARE fired, PLEASE follow up with the EEOC and file a complaint. Pave the way for the next person in his company with kids.

Can y'all tell that's my daily soapbox? Wow!

ANyhow DW, best of luck!!!  

Jadegrniiz
Deskdemon Forum Board Staff

[lioness70]

Eeeeewww.  I don't know if you want to even remain here.  That's your choice.  But I had a problem like that with a p/t AA job last year.  My son was then a year-old-I was the only one in the company with a small child, BTW-and one reason I was let go was because I couldn't give the time to the company that they wanted.  Very puzzling because they knew my situation up front and they knew I'd have to take time off for sickness, doctor appointments, anything else that crops up with young kids, etc.  They even got mad at me once for daring to ask to leave early so I could get the baby home before a bad snowstorm!!!  The president wasn't very understanding because he had a NANNY to watch his kids.  He paid for day care and nannies for senior employees!  I'm not joking!  Bosses and companies like these-especially your boss-are full of red flags for a working mom-work consumes his free time, doesn't like kids...He'll never be understanding when it comes to your child or these doctor appointments.   I'd start looking around for a more family-friendly place, but again, it's your choice.  

Edited by lioness70 on 27/11/01 01:54 PM.

[laundryhater]

I beleive that if you are unable to conceive naturally, then maybe it was not meant to be? The money you are spending on injections which may or may not work (and making you miss a lot of work) could be spent on adopting a baby or child who needs a home. You are lying to your boss if you told him that you are medically required to be monitored and go to these appointments. They are NOT medically necessary. They are your choice. Medically necessary would be if you have cancer and are receiving Kemo Therapy treatments. If your boss finds out that you have been lying to him, he will probably be very upset and you could lose your job.

Firing someone because she is pregnant or has children is illegal discrimination. You are not pregnant. You are trying to become pregnant. There's a difference.

[whitesatin]

Ouch, Laundryhater. That answer was a bit harsh.

Not everyone can conceive right away and some can't carry the baby to term once they do conceive.  The fact that some people choose to take extra steps and treatment to conceive does not mean that their babies are not meant to be.

I for one, wish I had the courage and the strength to go through what DWreath is enduring now.  It takes a lot of strengh and patience, as well as time and money.

Treatment for infertility is a legitimate medical practice.  The fact that DWreath has to be monitored is a legitmate medical requirement of this treatment.  She is not lying to her employer when she says she needs to be monitored.  It is a ncessary part of her medical treatment.

It is none of her employer's business WHY she has doctors appointments.  He can either accept it, or not.  Because this is not a treatment you would undertake yourself does not mean it is not necessary.  Everyone is different.  Their are thousands of beautiful babies in this world because parents cared enough not to give up and go the extra mile.

God bless you DWreath and I hope to hear wonderful news from you one of these days.

WhiteSatin

[nolalady]

From someone whose been trying to conceive for over a year (seriously)...

Well Said WhiteSatin!!!

Dwreath - Don't let this man push you around!!!  There are alot of companies who are more willing to work with a honest, hardworking employee.

My boss of 8 years has unselfishly offered to pay for half of my IUI procedure up to three tries, since my insurance doesn't cover the procedure and she has been more than patient regarding appointments.  My company gives each employee 40 paid hours each year for any Dr. visit, anything after that has to be made up.

Good luck and know you are not alone in the struggle to conceive.

nolalady

[officeduchess]

I'm sorry, but I couldn't sit back and not put in my 2 cents on this one.  I believe that under the ADA being able to conceive is considered a life function - I'm not sure about that, but I think I did read it in the material.  You might want to check it out.

I would definitely consider trying to find another position in another company that is more understanding; however, you'll probably run into the same kind of problems what with being the new kid on the block.  My best advice would be to take it one day at a time.  You are the best barometer for your boss - if you think he can handle (like an adult) what you are trying to accomplish, by all means, share it with him.  However, if not, then keep it under your hat - this is your personal business after all.

I want to also offer my encouragement to you as you go through the process.  I, too, went through the ups and downs of infertily treatment.  Right now, I am the proud mother of a beautiful 3 yr old from Guatemala.  Whatever road you choose will be the one that is right for you.  It took me a long time to figure out whether I wanted to be pregnant and be a mother or just be a mother.  Believe me, the more I hear about labor and pregnancy, the better I feel about the decision I made! LOL

Everything will work out and maybe your boss will even come around eventually. Good luck!

OfficeDuchess

[mlm668]

While I basically agree with laundryhater views.  Fertility treatments are not necessary, they elective.  But  I also cannot relate to what its like not to be able to conceive.  The women in my family tend to be overly fertile.  But a debate on that issue and personal opinions are not what dwreath asked for.  

If this man you are working for is this intolerant of mothers now, he is not ever going to get any better.  Plain and simple he is from an older generation where the woman stayed home and raised the kids while the man worked.  Then he had to live through the women's lib movement in the 70's and probably developed an even worse attitude because of the changes he had to make then.  I assume he now believes that if a woman wants children, she should stay home with them.  If she wants to work, then she has to sacrifice the family.  To which I say PHOOEY!!!  Most of us don't really get a choice.

That said,  if you are set on having a family, then you need to sit down and take a long look at things.  What are you willing to sacrifice to have this family.  You are already making some sacrifices.  And contrary to myth, you can't have it all.  Something has to give and you don't want it to be your child(ren).  There are going to be times like Lori said that you will have to stay up all night with this child, call in late and then find out that you really should stay home with the child.  Not all sitters will take a sick child and you will have to make last minute arrangements or stay home yourself.  Then there is the possiblity that your child will be born with special needs (God forbid) which will require you to continually miss time to take the child to doctors and such.   Is this man you are working for going to be understanding of that?  Doesn't sound like it to me.

Like I tell a lot of folks, being a parent is my full-time job; what I do from 8-5 is part time.  When I am here, the job is my priority and after 5 my children take that place.  But I am also fortunate enough to be able to run out the door at a momen'ts notice to take care of emergencies as they come up.  All parents should be able to do that and I seriously doubt this man will ever change his attitude.

If you want to keep the job so bad, then maybe you should consider putting off having a family a while longer.  If having the family is what you want most, then look for employment with a more family friendly employer.  

Ok, I've given my thoughts for what they are worth.  Take them or leave them.  The choice is yours.  If you do what is going to be best for you and yours in the long run and you can't go wrong.


Michelle

[mlm668]

I basically agree with laundryhater views.  Fertility treatments are not necessary, they are elective.  There are plenty of children out there who need good homes and can be adopted.  A child you raise as your own is yours no matter how you came to be its parent.  But  I also cannot relate to what its like not to be able to conceive.  The women in my family tend to be overly fertile.  But a debate on that issue and personal opinions are not what dwreath asked for.  

If this man you are working for is this intolerant of mothers now, he is not ever going to get any better.  Plain and simple he is from an older generation where the woman stayed home and raised the kids while the man worked.  Then he had to live through the women's lib movement in the 70's and probably developed an even worse attitude because of the changes he had to make then.  I assume he now believes that if a woman wants children, she should stay home with them.  If she wants to work, then she has to sacrifice the family.  To which I say PHOOEY!!!  Most of us don't really get a choice.

That said,  if you are set on having a family, then you need to sit down and take a long look at things.  What are you willing to sacrifice to have this family.  You are already making some sacrifices.  And contrary to myth, you can't have it all.  Something has to give and you don't want it to be your child(ren).  There are going to be times like Lori said that you will have to stay up all night with this child, call in late and then find out that you really should stay home with the child.  Not all sitters will take a sick child and you will have to make last minute arrangements or stay home yourself.  Then there is the possiblity that your child will be born with special needs (God forbid) which will require you to continually miss time to take the child to doctors and such.   Is this man you are working for going to be understanding of that?  Doesn't sound like it to me.

Like I tell a lot of folks, being a parent is my full-time job; what I do from 8-5 is part time.  When I am here, the job is my priority and after 5 my children take that place.  But I am also fortunate enough to be able to run out the door at a momen'ts notice to take care of emergencies as they come up.  All parents should be able to do that and I seriously doubt this man will ever change his attitude.

If you want to keep the job so bad, then maybe you should consider putting off having a family a while longer.  If having the family is what you want most, then look for employment with a more family friendly employer.  

Ok, I've given my thoughts for what they are worth.  Take them or leave them.  The choice is yours.  If you do what is going to be best for you and yours in the long run and you can't go wrong.


Michelle

[dwreath]

I want to thank you all for your words.  It has been a really tough couple of years.  I do question how far I should be taking this and at what point do we give up and check into adoption.  It is something my husband and I have put a lot of thought into and the decisions aren't easy.  I'm crossing my fingers but the doctor didn't seem to optimistic at the last visit.  I will let you all know what happens.

As for my job... I have always wanted to check into the banking industry.  My strong suit is with numbers and auditing and reconciling.  I know I falter at being a manager.  My husband just says it's because of inexperience, which could be partially true.  But I just don't think I have a knack to manage a company.  So, I would like to switch jobs.  I've just been telling myself that I will switch after I have a baby. Insurance is through my hubby, so that wouldn't be a concern.  Even though the boss has not been liking the doctor's appointments, I think he would be easier to deal with then a new company for taking off.  I have proven myself to him and he value's my ability.   I think it would be hard to prove myself at a new company, starting at the bottom and all and taking off repeatedly for doctors appointments.

With that said...does everyone still think I should switch?  What would you think of a brand-new co-worker taking 2 hours off every couple of days.

[blufire21]

Just wanted to put my 2 cents worth in on the adoption thing.  I'm adopted, and it was the best thing that could ever happen to me.  My mother could not have children, so my parents adopted.  While I don't know much about my mother (I'm looking for her at the moment though), I do know that she was very young (15 or 16).  There was no way she could have raised me, so she gave me up.  I have never received a better gift than that, the gift of life.  My adoptive parents are the best, and my life, while it's not been easy, has been much much better than it could have.  

I too cannot have children, and my husband and I are thinking about adoption. I know that there is a great demand for infants, so we are thinking about adopting a 3-4 yr old.  If you want info on a couple of agencies, let me know.  Count on about 2 yrs worth of paper work, but it's worth it.  I asked my mom and dad once if they ever regretted adopting my brother and me, and they said no, that it was the best decision they had ever made.

Just my 2 cents.

Ellen (there is no better gift ) in TX

[laundryhater]

My post was not meant to be hurtful at all and I'm sorry if you thought it was.

I was just throwing out an idea and another option.

I know two families who had tried for years to have children naturally. They endured years of heartaching miscarriages. Finally they tried the medical treatments. Now they have more children than they can afford (multiple births are often side effects of these treatments) and have to depend on government assistance just to make ends meet. It's sad really.

I just thought you might consider being an abandoned child's "angel" if you cannot conceive naturally. I know we all would love to have a child of our own but sometimes that is not always in the cards for us. There are thousands of children waiting to be adopted into a safe, loving home.