Disinvited to baby shower. What do you all think?

[lioness70]

I was out sick last week, and when I returned on Monday, I found an email inviting all the women in the office to a coworker's baby shower.  I replied that I would attend.



Today, the rug was yanked out from underneath me.  I was disinvited to this shower by our office manager, my boss.  See, the thing is at 12:30.  I didn't read the email the whole way through-I thought it was after hours.



She said that I would have to stay behind and cover the phones because "the receptionist and X are very friendly and she would like to go."  I said, "Well, I'd like to go too, I already said I was going," but I quickly revoked that.  I got the feeling that there'd be trouble if I didn't cooperate.



I now know what one of my roles in this office is.  I'm only a part-timer, and the one with the least seniority (I've only been at this company 3 months).  That means I have to cover the phones whenever everyone else goes out to lunchtime social functions.



Other people asked me, "Why don't they turn on a voice mail system so everyone can go?" and "Why don't they hold these things after hours so everyone can go?"  Good questions.  Since whoever planned this didn't plan it for after hours, I WOULD like to know why they couldn't turn on the night ring.  It's only for a short time.



I'm now not looking forward to Admin Professionals Day.  I can see it now:  all the other admin staff are treated to a nice lunch out, and I'm left behind, AGAIN, to cover the phones.  



I knew that I'd be covering phones when I took this job, but this is too much.  I feel totally excluded.  I need some words of advice from you older, wiser admins.  How would YOU have handled a situation like this, if you were the office manager, or in my shoes?

[bethalize]

How incredibly rude of them! You would have thought that they could have at least asked you nicely to cover the phones and maybe explained that they needed someone to do it and that they hoped you would because the others have know this girl for longer. I wouldn't have said no to that - but to assume in such a cavalier fashion!

I'm sure the others will have advice on action to take, but here's me being sympathetic. I never fail to be hurt by such selfish, arrogant behaviour. So, if it makes you feel any better, you're not being irrationally hurt, and it happens to others.

Big hugs!

Liz

[energizer]

Here's a big   ****HUG*****      for you, Lioness.  I, too, sympathize with you.  You are a part-time employee, not a slave!  Your boss should have requested, not demanded, that you cover the phones during the shower.  But since she didn't, all you can do now is put on a happy face   and show them all just how professional you are.  Assuming this is a "surprise" shower, I would bring a gift on the big day and, smiling sweetly, ask the receptionist to take it to the shower for you, and "Oh, by the way, would you mind bringing me some cake, too?  Since I have to be at the switchboard, I'd really appreciate it."



As an alternative, perhaps you could send an e-mail to the receptionist and the other admins in the office and ask if any of them would be willing to "share" the switchboard duty with you.  That way, you could each take a 15-minute turn (or however long is necessary, based on the number of people and how long the shower lasts) and no one would have to miss the entire shower.  In our office, we routinely share the switchboard when the receptionist has to attend a meeting or some other function, and it works quite well.  Everyone is usually willing to help out.  It's worth a try.



You can rise above this and really shine by showing your boss and the rest of the office that you are indeed a team player.  Asking others to be as well seems only fair.



Good luck to you.  Let us know how you decide to handle this, and the outcome.  We care.



Energizer

[lioness70]

Energizer, your first suggestion was exactly what I was thinking of doing.  I was going to bring in a gift and send it over with the receptionist.



The second suggestion is a little more iffy.  There was a big mix-up in the office a few weeks ago about the receptionist's break.  The other admins were under the mistaken assumption that it was MY duty only.  It wasn't, and this mix-up caused a few hard feelings.  The problem is, the other AAs are now under the impression that it's my job to do phone coverage during things like this.  I would LIKE to ask other admins to help me out, but the last thing I need is resentment and stewing because "I'm shirking my job."  I'm still very new here, and that's the last thing I need.



Well, I guess the only thing I CAN do is be as professional as possible.  It's hard when your feelings are involved, but they can't get in the way.

[lioness70]

My boss, the office manager, is the one who determined that one of the functions of my job IS to cover phones during lunch get-togethers.  That's also why I am a little lerry about sending out an email requesting help.  It will look to her like I don't want to do my job.  What really stings is this duty was not spelled out very clearly when I took this job.  I knew I would be covering for the receptionist when she was out sick, and one of my daily duties is covering for her at lunch, but I did NOT know that the coverage extended to leaving me out of lunch social functions.



But like I said, all I can do is be professional, put on a smile, and don't let them know that they acted like numbskulls.

[goldenearring]

I think I may rock the boat a little, "but" while this situation was handled poorly by your manager and your coworkers, you said it yourself when you stated that your duty was to cover the phones at lunch.  That says it all right there.  Probably wouldn't even matter if President Bush drove right pass your offices; you'd be covering the phones at lunch.  The right thing would have been for manager and coworkers to be a whole lot more sensitive about how to include you, though, since they did want to have you there.  



I do understand how you feel, though, because I did a 4-month stint as lunch-time receptionist and when they would have potlucks, do you suppose that the manager in charge of the receptionist position thought that maybe it would be nice to let me go grab something at 11:30 and go back out front?  Nawwwww.  That manager would sit in there, along with almost everyone else, and I'd scrape up the leftovers at 12:30.  Actually, I was so annoyed on the two times that it happened that I just left the building for awhile to regain my cool. If I'm going to lose my cool, it's going to have to be a much hotter issue than this, or I'd have little-to-no credibility when I really need it.  (What I "felt" had nothing to do with the "fact" that I had agreed to do the phone gig.  It would have been viewed as a petty complaint, not relevant to the corporate churnings.  After all, everybody does stuff that they don't want to/like to everyday.)



Consider mentioning to your manager, "Carol, you know I felt so bad about the way the shower thing was handled.  I was under the impression that it was o.k. for me to go, and then I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me when you told me that I would be covering phones while it went on.  I understand it's my duty to answer phones at lunch; however, I was under the impresion that since I had been invited to this shower that some arrangements had been made to include me."  Unless "Carol" is an insensitive boob, you may experience a communications milestone that will make "Carol" more sensitive.  Hope that helps!

[lioness70]

GoldenEarring, you hit the nail on the head with the core problem of this issue.  I was expected to do it without any regards to how I'd feel about not being able to attend this shower.  Because when I said that I would also like to go, I got the feeling that I was being blown off.  That's NOT right.



I also lost my cool after I left the reception desk and hid in the bathroom for a few minutes to regain my composure.  For the rest of the day, I looked pretty annoyed, and most coworkers stayed out of my way (which is exactly what I wanted).  I didn't confide my predicament to any coworkers.  I know better than that.  I kept it inside until I got home.



I went out yesterday and bought a baby shower gift, and I'm going to send it over with the receptionist.  I also plan on telling my coworker what happened AFTER the shower is over (I don't want to ruin the surprise).  Because I had my son last year, we talk a lot about baby stuff and we've become friendly.  That hurt too-they know I'm friendly with this girl, they know we talk about baby stuff, and they totally ignored my feelings, all in the name of "it's her duty."



After this, I think I'm going to keep to myself, so I won't be so hurt and annoyed when they exclude me again.

[goldenearring]

Please don't keep to yourself. It will only hurt you in the long run.  Believe me, because (again) I know from experience, after experience, after experience, etc. etc. and so on, until I finally got a paradigm shift. As hard as it is sometimes to forgive and then, ohmigosh, forget (who's idea was "forget," anyway?), too, you owe it to yourself and to your coworkers.  Some of the most highly salaried individuals in any industry know that it is critical to develop and maintain a harmonious atmosphere in the workplace, as much as possible.  



Try talking with your manager to see if s/he's receptive.  That person may have realized, after the fact, that they made a serious people skill error and be glad that you brought it to their attention (helping them save face).  



You may also want to mention your feelings to the people who planned this shower, but don't make a huge issue out of it, and don't cut them out of your work life or I think you may find yourself feeling even more miserable.  Just say that you were disappointed with how things turned out because you felt so excluded when you are friends with the "showeree," took, and, how much you wish that things could be scheduled either after work or in such a way that you can participate, too.  After all, it's impossible to be in two places at once!  They may have been so excited to plan the shower that they forgot to think through, thoroughly, how everyone could be included.  Give them the benefit of the doubt.  Or, there may have been some overwhelming reason why the shower had to be held at lunch time.  



I know this kind of stuff hurts, but to be the Lionness here, you're going to have to take the high road the whole way over the emotional mess the incident has left behind.  (I know you don't "have to" do anything, but this is what I hope you will do.  You may not see the benefit of it immediately, but in the long run, I guarantee you will be glad that you handled things this way.)  Best wishes.  I know you can handle it.  You are woman, hear you roar:  RRRRRRRRRRR   -   GE!  (ewww, I think I just spit all over myself)

[lioness70]

GoldenEarring, once again, you're right about the planning of the baby shower.  The woman who planned it is NOT an admin.  So naturally, if someone's not part of the admin staff, they're not even going to think about who's going to cover phones.  It's not her fault that this got so messed up.



If this issue comes up with anybody before or after the fact, I will calmly and professionally tell them, yes, I was disappointed that I couldn't go, and how can EVERYONE be included next time.



And if my manager still chooses to say, "well, it's your duty," all I can do is smile and do it.  After all, I have to be the Lioness here.  No Lioness wants to look like a fool or a blubbering idiot.



I'm also glad I bought the "showeree" a gift.  I was planning to do so even before this ugly Friday incident.  That, too, will show that I'm above the games and politics that other people choose to play.  Also, why should I NOT get her a gift because someone else disinvited me?  Babies need a LOT of stuff, as I know too well.



Since I'm choosing to act professional about this whole mess, I'm not the one who will look bad if people start asking why I was left out of this thing.  I'm not the one who will look like a social dunce.



I'll keep you all updated on how this mess finally winds up.

[goldenearring]

Deep breath.  I believe in you, L!  You can do this . . . and more!

[yankeestarbuck]

Wow, you're better than me.  But I put up with that for a long time as well.  I was left out of a lot of lunch-time escapades because of handling phones when the rest of the ENTIRE admin staff was out.  They became a close group and I was entirely left out of their circle.  BUT...I was the only one displaying my BA at my desk and they thought I was showing off.  I felt I had a right to...I worked hard for that sucker WHILE I worked full time as an admin.  You stick to your guns there, Lioness and hold your head high.  You're a regal feline, show it off.  And btw...we DID have a baby shower while I was there.  It was a security company, mostly men.  It was funny to see 4 women and 20 guys at a baby shower!  And that apartment was baby-proofed, she had an amazing car seat and she had a crib and play pen that would NEVER be recalled. One safe baby, let me tell you!  ****hugs****  You're an OK lady!

[daisylee]

My small child with the curly umbical cord!  I've been exactly where you're at dozens of times.  Meetings, lunches, you name it!  And I'm supposed to get lunch and break coverage, and many times I was left stewing, because it was more convienent for someone else to "do their thing"...and leave me sit.  Sometimes I was two hours late getting to lunch!  And yet, you're always supposed to never mind, it's YOUR job!  Being left out, no matter why, can be a very hurtful experience!



Definately take GE's advice, and mention you really thought you were included in the plans to attend the shower...and you really like to feel part of the team, just like the other admins.  Do it calmly, and let it go from there.  Or perhaps you could talk to those that planned the shower, and ask if the next time there's an event, maybe you could meet briefly after work, so all of you have an opportunity to go.  



Whatever the outcome, you still did the right thing but not loosing it on the spot, and still sending a gift.  If you contiune to handle all this with that approach, you should reach an agreement on how to handle this type of event!



Daisylee

[workerbee]

When I was an executive secretary at a large company several years ago, we had staggered lunch breaks so that there would always be someone to answer the phones (this was pre-voice mail).



Shortly after I started, one of the other secretaries came up to me and began telling me about their birthday club; who was in it, how often they went to lunch, what the spending limit on gifts was, etc.  I thought she was going to invite me to join them, but no, I was being invited to stay behind and cover the phones so they could all go off to lunch together.



Sometimes it amazes me how unfeeling other women can be.  I try to never overlook anyone when there's an event; it's not so hard to do.



Lioness, you're right to not let this affect your friendship with the mother-to-be.  It's not her fault!



Elaine

[lioness70]

You're a great bunch and thanks for the support.  I can't believe that so many of you have gone through this same thing!



Worker Bee-ouch!  That's far worse than what happened to me.  Now why on earth did that woman even bother telling you about their "club?"  Just to rub it in?  Some people...



Speaking of which, I'm going to get on my soapbox.  This kind of petty, catty crap (I'm not mincing words, that's exactly what it is) keeps all admins stuck in the Dark Ages.  Even those of us that act like PROFESSIONALS suffer.  No wonder we still have a lot of trouble getting credibility with management.  The only way we're going to put some of these old stereotypes to rest is to stop this petty crap.  Stop picking on people and/or leaving them out of YOUR social circle because they have more skills than you, more experience, their part-time schedule, they're "just a temp," etc.  You don't have to LIKE them, but at least treat them respectfully.



There...getting off my soapbox.    

[ozbound]

We go through the same thing at our office--when the "ladies" want to go out to lunch, someone has to stay behind to cover phones. But we usually take turns - so maybe you could ever-so-sweetly suggest to your office mgr. or the receptionist that you'll cover lunch this time if someone ELSE will do it the next time!

However, if we're doing something extra-special that we know EVERYONE will want to attend, like a baby shower, we try to hold it after hours, and for the Admin Professionals Day luncheon we get a temp to cover phones (usually a very nice lady that used to work here volunteers) because everyone deserves to go to lunch on that day!

When it comes to potlucks or birthdays, usually the two people at the front desk kinda rotate going in to grab some food, or they get it for each other, and bring it up to their desk. It's very rare that anyone feels left out or put out, even when someone does have to cover phones.

Hope your group is open to suggestions...