All Male in a Female World

[nyguy]

been "lurking" in the shadows here for a bit now but today takes the cake and I need to vent.



I am a Male.  A Male who works as an Administrative assistant for a very large company in NYC.  My boss is a female and as bosses go not bad.



The problem? I'm sick to death of innuendo.  People who would not dream of making such a comment to a female Admin don't hesitate to make crude comments about my relationship with my boss (which is nothing by the way, she's the boss Im her assistant).



If these same comments were made to a female Admin there would be ten people lined up in HR to complain, but when it happens to me, people laugh and join in.



Why am I treated differently than female admins? And what can I do about it?



I have a degree, this job pays well, challenges me and(We're in the Entertainment industry) I get to meet lots of very cool people, and the benes are outstanding. I have no plans to change my direction and this is not a "filler" job for me until something better comes along.  Being an Admin is something I enjoy, and yet there is this dividing line between how Im treated and how the female Admins in the office are treated.



I'd be interested in hearing your thoughts.



Guy, not sleeping with the boss, not Gay, and really ticked off In NY.



P.S.  Whatever happened to Prudence? I was waiting for the next installment

[juspeachy]

Welcome to TAA!  Sounds like what you are experiencing is sexual harrassment.  It is against the law no matter what sex you are.  Check out your company's sexual harrassment policy and go from there.



JusPeachy

[northcarolina]

Welcome NYGUY!  It's great to see you come out of the shadows!  It will be wonderful to have your perspective.



As far as the comments being made - JusPeachy is right; it IS sexual harassment.  But I am wondering, have you made it clear to the offenders that their comments are offensive to you?  If you just kind of laugh it off - they may not realize that you are truly not amused.  Maybe you should let them know in no uncertain terms next time (of course, being very diplomatic and polite) that you don't find their comments funny at all - possibly they'll realize their mistake and back off.





north carolina

[jlkee]

Welcome NY Guy!  I agree with the other replies; this is indeed sexual harrassment and you don't have to put up with it.  The next time someone makes a comment you don't appreciate, let them know that in no uncertain terms.  If it continues, take the next step and report it.  I think, though, that if you let them know you don't appreciate it, they'll stop making the comments.  Make it clear that it's demeaning not only to you, but a boss whom you respect.  You can bet they won't want to offend the boss!



By the way ..... if you ever decide to leave your position, pls let me know!  That sounds like a dream job (minus the comments)!!!!!!  



 

[kknisley]

Yes, harrassment it is.  Try documenting the instances where this occurs and take it to HR.  



I don't know if there is a particular person who starts these comments or not.  If so, have you spoken to that person directly to let them know the comments are offensive and hurtful - not only personally, but professionally as well?  



Are there another admin professionals in your company that you feel comfortable talking to about this situation?  Maybe they can give you some insight and help diffuse the comments.  If a group of people work with you to stop the comments, that might be the best way to stop this type of harrassment.

[andrea843]

Dear NY GUY,



First, welcome to TAA, we're glad you emerged from the shadows and your perspective will add to our diversity (jeeze do I sound like the BORG or what?, Read on Resistance is futile  )



Of the approximately 13 million Administrative assistants (in the US and UK alone) less than 15% of them are males.  (Some studies say as few at 9% of currently working Admins are male), however, this number is drastically higher than similar studies done in 1995. In short, you are a minority.



If you've been lurking for awhile, you know Im a huge propoent of seeking help from HR, and with some qualifications I believe you should do just that.  Schedule a conference with your HR rep, and explain your situation, however (and not everyone is going to agree with me here, hold the email please!) don't expect much help.



All the training,  and most of the case studies are geared towards females being treated inequitably in the workplace.  Males, as a minority just doesn't "Track" for most people as an issue, even though it obviously IS an issue and one which I'm sure will continue to grow as the years march on and the challenge of the emerging technology draws more and more smart, techno-savvy guys into the Admin field.



What can you Do about it and is it Sexual Harrassment?



To make a case for SH, one must report the behavior and find no effort by the employer to correct it before being able to declare themselves harrassed and seek recourse. IT doesnt sound to me like it's recourse you want, just for the inappropriate commentary to stop.



 It sounds from your post like you're largely happy with your job, save for this one sticking point, so get proactive. And forget about whether you're harrassed or not.  You want to change a set of behaviors that makes you unhappy in a world where you're largely content... then change them.



First, talk to the boss and let her know what's happening and let her know that you plan to take matters into your own hands the next time this behavior occurs. You'll need her to be brought up to speed in case someone complains about your new "assertive" posture regarding commentary.



Then when this behavior occurs again, whether around the water cooler or out at lunch, simply Stop the conversation, give the offender a blank stare and say calmly, "that was uncalled for and offensive, please don't do it again."



Pay attention to your body language, and the tone of your voice, keeping both as neutral as possible and then resume the conversation as though the offender had not said a single word.  



It won't happen overnight, and it probably won't change underlying opinions of offenders, but it WILL cause them to stop the commentary.  Remember that you can't control what people think, none of us can at any level. you CAN however control whether their comments impact your job and your professionalism.



Because you ARE A male, be VERY sure that you keep your tone neutral and your body language absolutely as neutral and open as you can get it when issuing a correction, that way you won't be seen as aggressive.



And consider this as an aside.  I have a very dear friend who is a Nurse.  A male nurse. This guy is at the top of his profession and makes the guys on ER look like rank amatuers.  He jumps out of helicopters and saves lives for a living, but still bears the stigma of being a "male Nurse".  



In the last few years things have changed radically for him and he's now respected for his skills rather than accosted and humiliated for his gender. It WILL happen for you too, be patient, be adamant and most of all be persistant.



Good Luck and stop back by and let us know what happens.

[ozbound]

I'm glad you came aboard.  Sounds like you need some support & encouragement. I agree with Andrea's comments and think as long as you hold your ground people will start taking you seriously and back off. I really hope it works that way for you because it sounds like you have a keen job that you enjoy and it would be a shame to have to leave because of harassment.  So, hang in there and don't take any guff from anyone!  

[barbri]

NYGuy,



You've received some excellent advice from the participants here. (I hesitate to say women since I hope you're not the only man visiting this site.)



I do have one question, however. Are the comments you're receiving from co-workers or from people outside of work? If these comments are coming from friends and acquaintances, they probably couldn't be considered sexual harassment. They are uncalled for, crude, and unenlightened, but not necessarily harassment. You definitely should stand up to these folks and let them know you don't appreciate their attitude and won't stand for it.



If, in fact, these comments are coming your way at work, by all means follow up with HR. There is no excuse in this day and age for behavior of this type directed toward women or men.



Good luck,

Barb

[radaro]

I don't mean to split hairs but this is a case of sexual discrimination.



This really makes my blood boil!  Why is it that when a woman takes on a "man's" job, she is considered a ground breaker but if a man takes on a "woman's" job, he is "less" of a man?

[energizer]

Welcome, NYGUY.  Nice to have you here.  And I agree with most of what has been said by previous posters.  However:



BarbRi: I have to disagree with your statement that if the comments are made by friends or acquaintances they probably couldn't be considered sexual harrassment.  There is legally no double standard when it comes to harrassment.  If you ask someone to stop the remarks (or whatever) and they continue anyway, whether they are supervisor, friend, coworker, just a casual acquaintance, or even a total stranger, you could legally file a complaint.  No one has the right to harrass you, no matter who they are.



NYGUY, I hope you find a way to put a stop to the harrassment.  It's in your own best interests to pursue this to your satisfaction.



Best of luck to you.  And again . . . welcome!



Energizer

[jewels6567]

Well since I'm seeing this post kind of late and everyone has already said what I would say...I just want to say hi and welcome to the boards NY Guy.  >wavin<



Julie

[msrobbie]

Hi NY Guy,



Well, looks like everyone's covered it.  Just want to add my welcome to The Admin Authority.  We certainly need the male point of view here, and I hope you chime in whenever possible on these boards.



By the way, just curious, are the same "NY Guy" that was on the boards over at Mad Secretary that I sent a message to, inviting you to come over to The Admin Authority?   My sentence structure sucks, but I'm in a hurry!



Also, if you are in any sort of network with other male admins, it would be great if you could get some of them to "come on down" and join us.  



Again, welcome, and glad you've stopped lurking and started talking.



Please somebody, make the rain stop in Las Vegas!  The mountains have new snow, and it's c-o-l-d!



Robbie    

[dedlered]

NYGuy:

Everyone has posted such good responses, I can only say

**Welcome**  We are very happy to have you join us.



Please keep us up to date.



Laura

 

[sungoddesslv]

NYGuy,

Joining in with the others to say "Welcome."  



It is a shame that people can be so petty and hurtful, when they think they are being funny or cute.  Hopefully you have an open-door policy with your Boss and feel comfortable in explaining the situation to her.  Not only that, I hope that your HR director is supportive and handles the situation appropriately.  



Are the offenders co-workers who you join for lunch or breaks?  As was mentioned, it would be a good time to work on changing their behavior.  



Cutting them short in mid-sentence might cause for additional behind the back remarks and poking fun.  I really don't know how I would handle it, but what's wrong with just confronting them and explaining your position.  You just never know how people will react.  You know your co-workers, and will have to think about the advice that has been offered and decide which, if any, of these suggestions might work in your situation.  Perhaps there is one co-worker that you know well enough to speak to that can help with the others.  



Again, welcome to TAA...it is certainly nice to have you.



sungoddess (sharing the rain and snow with Robbie) in LV

gee, the mountains are so pretty now.

 

[craftygirl]

Hey cool!



Glad to see all of my "ladies and gentlemen" greetings were sort of accurate.  



NYGUY I can't add more to what's been said, except I tend to agree with Andrea.  Sometimes being comfortable is more important than being right (is it harassment or not, etc) and you should be able to work comfortably.



Welcome a-board

cg