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deedee
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« on: October 27, 2003, 07:06:46 pm » |
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People are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (starvation diet), you don't get enough variety (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days. Well, now there's the new Miracle Toddler Diet. Over the years, you may have noticed that most 2-year-olds are trim. Now the formula to their success is available to all in this new diet!
DAY ONE:
BREAKFAST: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with jam. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jam over your face and clothes.
LUNCH: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).
DINNER: A dry stick, two pennies, and a nickel; 4 sips of flat Sprite
BEDTIME SNACK: Throw a piece of toast on the kitchen floor.
DAY TWO
BREAKFAST: Pick up stale toast from the floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
LUNCH: Half-tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.
AFTERNOON SNACK: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on rug.
DINNER: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-aid over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
DAY THREE:
BREAKFAST: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup; eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, put it on cushion of best chair.
LUNCH: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites on the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
DINNER: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch. Try to laugh some punch through your nose, if possible.
FINAL DAY
BREAKFAST: Quarter tube of toothpaste, any flavor; bit of soap, one olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add half a cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk; feed cereal to dog.
LUNCH: Eat bread crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish it.
DINNER: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate.
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