Did I Make The Right Decision?

[sobriquetnic]

Hi all

One of the girls at work, in fact a senior manager, seems to feel she has to be everyone's best friend.  However, half the time, when people confide in her (and I know this from experience a few years back), she tends to divulge that information to others.

Anyway, she has invited all the girls at work, including myself, to a 'girls night in' at her home.  I am actually not able to attend due to a prior engagement, but I wouldn't really feel that comfortable about it anyway.  This is the second time she has hosted such an evening, and I was also unable to go to the first, again for a valid reason.  

I know that she will spend some time complaining about my boss, who is her boss as well.  I also know that whilst of course like most bosses he has his faults, a lot of the ones she describes, she brings on herself.  Bear in mind that she constantly complains about how busy she is but spends a large portion of her work days either on personal telephone calls (very complicated personal life!), sending personal texts, responding to personal emails or just complaining about how busy she is but doing nothing!

My boss knows about this evening and is well aware of how she feels about him, and also how she tries to manipulate people.  He also knows that I will not be attending.  

Do you think that I should avoid such evenings if I can?  I always go on works outings like trips to the cinema, theatre etc but feel this is in a slightly different league.

Would be grateful for your views.

All the best,
Nicola.

[countrigal]

The big question in my mind is if anything positive comes from these get-togethers?  Do the girls work better together afterwards?  More camaraderie?  Or is there no beneficial outcome at all that you can see?  If there is any positive, it might be worth going to -- if and when your schedule permits it.  If not, then I'd definitely steer clear of it and hope to have a pre-planned engagement on these evenings.  I think that if there was actually any hope for a positive outcome from these get-togethers, you'd know it and feel like you could participate for that purpose alone, and simply ignore all the bad-mouthing that she does about the boss or anyone else.  Also realise that if you continue to miss these, be prepared for any fall-out that may come your way.  You may be the big topic at the next one, either because you are seen as seeing yourself as "too good" to go, or because you are sucking up to the boss or are against the other ladies who go.  Which brings up another issue.  How many of the invited 'girls' go?  Is there just a handful that go each time?  Does attendance vary, as someone goes and learns it's not to their taste and someone else is new the next time?  Or are there so few who go that you would be more obvious there than absent?  This could play a role in how these get-togethers go, and the outcomes from them.

Sounds like your best bet for now is to continue to keep your pre-scheduled dates and offer your apologies for not being able to attend her get-together.  And learn what you can about them to be prepared with how you'll answer when and if she ever has one on a day that you are free.

CountriGal
Peer Moderator

[bethalize]

Hi, Nicola.

It sounds like you made the right decision. You can get tainted by association. Anyone who is manipulative could get you to say something that you didn't mean or that could be taken out of context.

Bethalize
Peer Moderator

[gee4]

If the evening will go as you say then why bother - there is enough talk of work in work without it spilling over into a social evening.  She is only trying to manipulate everyone to her way of thinking and personally I wouldn't be bothered with that and would try to avoid it if you can.  However getting together once in a while on neutral territory would be better.

G

[laurafmcdermott]

As a general rule, I don't socialize with coworkers.  I have made a few friends here and there that I will spend a weekend afternoon with (actually just yesterday did lunch and shopping with a coworker) but they are few and far between.  I really feel that there is a fine line between being a team player (say, having a drink after work) and being part of an "us vs. them" mentality (such as your girls' night out dilema).  They way you describe it sounds as though it's just an excuse to kvetch about the boss and the workplace--which is not productive, nor do I think it is a valid way to spend your time.  Unless I share enough in common with a coworker to not speak about work after-hours, I don't socialize with them.  I think you made the right decision.

[sobriquetnic]

Hi Guys

Many thanks for your responses - I can also rely on you all for some advice!

I'm sure I've done the right thing.  Thankfully not all staff attend so at least I won't be the odd one out!  

I think it's best to stick to the 'official' nights out.  I don't really want an evening of 'boss-bashing' - especially when I know he doesn't deserve most of it!

Thanks again and all the best,
Nicola.

[kjorg]

I've had to learn the hard way not to get too "friendly" with people at work. It's backfired on me in the past. It's hard not to, though, in my situation. There's only the two of us in an office. Talk happens, but I try not to say anything that I wouldn't want the boss to know anyways.  If I worked at a larger company, I probably wouldn't attend a co-workers girls night at her house.

[raindance]

You made the right decision for you, Nicola, and if you feel comfortable then you can be sure it is the right thing.  Sometimes you can change the subject in such conversations, but most of the time it is best just to steer clear of people like the one you describe.  They can be absolute poison, and often have little comprehension of the bad example they set.

My personal rule is that I don't fraternize with colleagues outside work, and only attend official work events, birthday drinks etc.  I also don't get involved in office politics.  Years ago, someone advised me to "be friendly, but not familiar" and that has stood me in good stead.

Best wishes,

Raindance

[dettu]

How many times have I reminded myself: the people at work may be friendly, but they're not your friends. I kind of forgot myself at my last major job and got too friendly with people, and it always backfires (although one woman there is still my friend and is my emergency contact backup person for my child's school, camp, etc.). But really, it's better to be solicitous and kind, just not let it go too deep. You can never tell who's taking notes.

[countrigal]

Here's my question...  How do you make friends if you move to an area and don't have much (if any) of a social life if not with folks who work the same place you do?  I've lived here for 3 years now, and almost all of my friends are folks who work for the same company (though different offices mostly) or, recently, those I'm slowly meeting through my baby's daycare.  So if you're not a church-goer, not a social butterfly and prefer most of the time to spend time with your family, how do you make those friends that allows you and your husband/SO go out and socialize and unwind for a bit?

CountriGal
Peer Moderator

[spitfire78]

I think it's ok to have friends from work, depending on the circumstances. If the only thing you have in common is work, then I don't think that is a good thing.  If, though, you connect on other levels, I see nothing wrong with that.  I have a couple of friends at work, and we have done some things socially in the past.  I eat lunch with them every day at work.  While sometimes we do certainly discuss work, generally we make it a point not to.  We discuss all kinds of other topics and have a good time doing it.  Those are the people I think it is ok to be "friends" with outside of work.  I would not want to interact socially with people with whom I share no interest other than work, because I think, inevitably, the topic of conversation would always be work.  And frankly, when I'm away from work, I don't want to think and talk about it!

[kjorg]

CG-

have you tried a local Moms group? If you're town doesn't have one, how about starting one?  Don't really know how they work since I'm not a mom yet, but I think they meet once or month or week. You can trade babysitting "time" instead of paying someone.

kjorg